April's Rants

Proof of the devil

2011-01-14T21:27:00.007-05:00

I was scrolling through the national geographic news and came across this disturbing image that will no doubt haunt my dreams tonight. Lets start with the facial area shall we? Now I am not one to be rude or point out obvious malfunctions, but what the frick kind of nose is that? to what scientific biological purpose would it serve to have a honker like that?....literally
While we are in the vicinity please for the love of the animal kingdom, why is this evil spawn smiling?! Is it me or is it seriously smiling? All I can think of is he is saying to himself..."yeah keep looking at me with amazement....gaze into my eyes while I suck out your soul. watch as I flutter my large tooting nostrils...hypnotizing you with each flap..... I will rule the world soon and you will all bow to me".
And wait.... are those horns?! ok maybe they are ears....but they resemble the horns of a certain you know who that lives in a place I will certainly not be going some day.... cuz I am sweet and innocent of course, anyhoo I am convinced this is an actual real life minion from the bowels of hell. I hate national geographic for making me look at this thing, which of course is why I had to share it all with you. I'm not going to be the only one double checking under my bed and in my closet tonight. toodles

If you live in Arkansas....you might want to move

2011-01-04T01:04:00.007-05:00

So, the new year brings more than sure to be neglected resolutions for Arkansas. The people of Arkansas woke up to dead fish and dead birds, in the thousands. I'm sorry does anyone else but me find that a bit on the odd side? So the explanation so far is lightning or fireworks. I have a problem with that and here it is.....why would lightning or fireworks be selective in it's damnation? You see only one species of bird and one species of fish were killed. So the lightning randomly selected only blackbirds to fall dead from the sky, and of all the fish in the river, only one kind go belly up?
I am not sure what kind of shenanigans or goings on there in Arkansas to bring about such apocalyptic sings, but I am damn sure I wouldn't stick around to find out. For the love of chicken little, someone do something! I mean whats next, waking up to dead frogs or squirrels littering the neighborhoods? Seriously, I don't care what the scientists or biologists say about this...... it can't be good. And for the people in Arkansas, good luck with that........

You spin me right round baby

2010-07-19T23:07:00.023-04:00

I heard they are remaking yet another popular eighties show, Wonder Woman! And since it's been a sufficient amount of time that has lapsed since my "incident", I can share with you why I feel I deserve said role. After all I can safely say my friends have known me long enough and have plenty to laugh at without making me feel dumb about a stupid little childhood incident.....right?
It's 1982 and I seriously think all the cool shows like the Hulk, wonder woman, and the Justice league were more fun than playing outside. Yes i said that....why? because back then kids actually played outside....all day. Our imagination was in abundance, and never did we say we were 'bored'. Those were the days, and being a twin made it even better. I mean how convenient it was to have a partner in crime! One of our favorite things to do was dress up and run around as our favorite super hero, and yes we did play the role of the "Wonder twins" but I hated always getting stuck having to be the one that turned into a bucket of water.
My most favorite role was Wonder Woman. With her cool gold cuffs and boots, and don't forget her lasso! Now granted I could not replicate her massive breasts....although I'm not gonna lie....I did try. Nothing could express my pure excitement in my soul when Fruit of the Loom came out with "underroos". Seriously I thought I was actually Wonder woman when I had them on, complete with a red bath towel draped on my back...worn proudly. The only time it was ok to run around like a freak in your underwear.
One day I took my role to a place I never thought possible and it's only now I can truly laugh about it, because when it happened it was serious business and not funny......at all. So, remember how wonder woman would throw her arms out and twirl flawlessly until her clothes whipped off so fast it was missed by the naked eye?Then as she slowed down, not only was her hair perfectly coiffed but complete with a crown. Then donned in her cool costume she would fight crime, I mean what was cooler than that!? Well I would practice this unobtainable twirl over and over and the mere fact that I did not have lasting brain damage is a miracle. I would twirl everywhere, over and over praying that my shear might would whip my clothes off and be replaced with gold shorts and bullet proof bust. I took this madness to the shower one day and sadly it was not successful like I hoped. I am not sure what possessed me to begin the flailing...I mean twirling in a cool fashion, but I soon realized the shower was not the place for super heroness to happen. As I twirled, my wet arms began to gather the shower curtain and all of a sudden I was entwined in a plastic cocoon, totally hindering the process of me becoming wonder woman. Before I could stop, I began to fall, viciously ripping the curtain down with me. As if the sure beating I would receive by my mother was enough punishment, the bathroom door that once concealed my secret attempt at heroness, was whipped open by my mother. This of course was topped off by my brother and his friend standing there to witness me on the floor wrapped up like a burrito. For the love of Lynda Carter, if I could only have Superman's heat lazer eyes to disintegrate them to prevent further blackmail attempts!
Well I am pretty sure I let down Lynda Carter that day, along with Every little girl in the world...at least that's how I felt. My mother was actually not as pissed as I would expect, due to the fact I gave her something to laugh at for a few days.

2010-01-23T21:21:00.009-05:00

For the love of Downy, why does dirty laundry multiply like rabbits on crack?! I have an idea why don't we send all our dirty laundry to the criminals in jail to do for us? I mean really all they do is play basketball and work out. Shouldn't they NOT be doing something fun? I say all the people out there with dirty laundry piling up rally for the prisoners to stop making license plates and do our laundry. I mean wash and properly fold and separate into proper little piles of washed fluffy goodness. Then on the way home from work we can all drive up to a little convenient window and pick up said laundry bundles.

Important rules every male cyclist should know

2009-07-15T13:19:00.011-04:00

1. Do not under any circumstances wear spandex….ever. I’m serious, there is not a woman alive that wants to see you in that, EVER…….please for the love of sight, keep that for home use only.

2. Please wear pants that cover your ENTIRE ass not just the bottom part, but the top crack part as well. No one wants to see a hairy A- hole on their way to work, and it can’t possibly be comfortable.

3. If you insist on riding with traffic, then do not get in the way, after all you are worth at least 20 points. God help you if you get in the way of someone frantically trying to get home to the toilet, turtleing will only improve your chances of getting hit or run off the road.

4. Make sure every part you have a current use for, is secured appropriately, important objects are known to get stuck in the spokes of the wheels. Also, important appendages do not fare well when you run over a pot hole. According to my brother it hurts when a nut randomly gets free and is unintentionally sat on.

5. If you insist on all the fancy gadgets and latest trends for your bike, then make sure they do not hamper the functions of the bike. We all will laugh watching you wobble uncontrollably as you are furiously trying to set your pedometer or fan speed.

6. Last but not least, DO continue to think you are cool by riding your bike without utilizing your arms and hands. Leaning back with your arms to the side displaying your apparent Godly skills, can only lead to tears, tears of laughter for all of us driving along innocently. We know the chances of you hitting a pothole or the handlebars suddenly jerking to one side, are greatly in our favor and everyone can use a good laugh or two.

It's family time God Dammit!

2009-07-07T22:45:00.005-04:00

Ummmm....just a little tip I thought I would pass on. Be careful of your movie selection for your family's movie night. I have been working hard and going back to school and I have a few days off, so I thought it would be great for our family to bond and have a movie night. Much cheaper than going out, anyway I told my husband to bring home the movie, The Knowing. I said, "oh I think that was the movie that had a cool trailer, that should be good, get that one" So we all sat down and of course my 2 girls had to start fighting....again, so I screamed "we are going to have a family night God dammit, now sit down!" Well, we sat down to a movie of death and the destruction of all human kind......
enough said
and wow

Lock your doors and get a dog!

2009-07-01T00:42:00.013-04:00

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

 THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

 MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

 I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

 NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

 DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

Your fired!

2009-04-21T10:02:00.015-04:00

MADISON, Wis. - A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. The Madison-based health care provider announced Wednesday that it planned to "immediately" lay off 90 employees. I am pretty sure that whoever read this memo first should have not take “immediately” too literal.

Here is my list for the reasons for NOT doing this sort thing.
1. When the nurse goes back to surgery, I don’t think her mindset will be in the favor of the patient……at all.
2. Due to her blinding well deserved pissed offness, she might not notice that she clamped the wrong vein, which will then lead to the patient’s blood loss related death.
3. The surgery room will be filled with complete uncomfortable silence. I know I would be too scared to say anything to her, especially “pass the scalpel”
4. Surgery rooms are usually equipped with sharp implements of death.
5. When pissed off, women usually throw objects……
6. I believe everyone else in the room might experience an uncomfortable feeling of impending job loss. Which will then lead to an “I don’t give a shit attitude” and surely several items of a non biological nature will be conveniently left in the poor bastard’s body.
7. Nurses usually know important people like anesthesiologists; you might wake up one morning in your bed, missing an important body part, or now have extra one. Like perhaps a boob in the middle of your forehead….think about that possible consequence for a minute.
8. Someday that same nurse might be “assisting” a surgery on you and a chuckle and an “opps” is NOT something you want to hear as the mask goes over your face

Super Penis to the rescue!

2009-04-14T12:57:00.008-04:00

My husband and I went to the movies this weekend and saw “watchmen” and I quickly decided the title of the movie should have been “Dr. Blue penis” instead. At first I quite admired the blue man (Dr. Manhattan) and his wonderfully chiseled blue body. Clearly that body was computer generated right down the blue swinging penis. Now I must admit, I was visually mesmerized by this blatant attempt to confuse the female audience. You couldn't’t help but stare at its blue glowing aura and I was ashamed of myself for doing so. Was this some kind of ploy to get women to enjoy superhero movies? Seriously they could have put a cape on it and it would have been able to save the world from complete annihilation on its own. Come to think about it, I didn't notice if he had a set of blue balls as well??? Crap, I'll have to rent it when it comes out. Warning though, this is definitely not the super hero movie you should take your children to! “Mommy, how come the blue superman is showing his pahdinger like that? Next your little boys are going to be running around the neighborhood with nothing but a cape on! I give this movie 4 penis’s up, up up and away!
For much needed points please click here

Keep your Arse shut!

2009-04-10T10:10:00.006-04:00

WACO, Texas - A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend (I would have to say…he doesn’t sound like a good friend), police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night (hmmm??? 5 men sharing 1 room? That’s scary on its own), and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence(ASS ATTACK) problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest. (Which I’m sure caused the man to then SHIT in his pants).Ok, yes we have all wanted to cause harm to the person with excessive noxious ass gas, but to actually stab the person?! LOL! From now on the poor guy’s ass is going to pucker and tremor with even the very thought of farting again. I believe the term would have to be “ass shocked” instead of “shell shocked”. Then he will bloat into a walking gas bomb teetering on the verge of mass explosion that would rock 10 city blocks. What’s he going to do when he has to fart again? For the man that stabbed the guy….does he not fart? Could he not of opened the window or stepped outside? What on earth would make him think stabbing the guy would be a wise choice? I think a good chop block to the nose would have been better, or maybe a jolt from a stun gun. Either way, I thank both men for providing me with a good damn laugh.
For much needed points please click here

I'm sorry... what's in my hair?

2009-04-08T23:09:00.013-04:00

You know what's great? After a hard day of work, to come home to, clean house, cook, take care of sick kid, listen to teenager's drama, finally crawl into sick kids bed after 4 loads of never ending laundry to rock her to sleep as she coughs and hacks on my face and life, to lean back against her bunk bed rail only to get my hair stuck in some slimy clay like substance.... I mean really?
After attempting to sneak away from sick infested child, my head yanks back like my brother pulling at my pigtails as a child! All I can do was yelp helplessly for some form of assistance.
My lovely teenager slowly responds and turns light on to reveal the horror. A clump of my very curly already knotted hair with some foreign substance unknown to mankind. Clearly from the looks of it only scissors or fire would remove such a thing.
After calming down I quietly ask in a low tremor, "what the frick loving christ is in my hair?! and get it OUT NOW" After both kids laughing hysterically, (obviously I haven't beaten them enough), I decide to yank my head free and run into bathroom to survey the damage. With it being so late, I couldn't call in reinforcements (my best friend, or any other woman). So I opted for crying and rubbing olive oil in hair furiously till substance came out in little gooey chunks......thanks brat.....LOL wow and to think it isn't even mother's day yet....
For much needed points please click here

I'm sorry, you have to remove my what??!!

2009-01-17T11:49:00.003-05:00

Ok please tell me why men can go their whole lives without the fear of having to have something removed or lopped off of their very being? I would like to keep everything I was born with…with the exception of the umbilical cord, that could get in the way and cause unwanted walking distractions.
Although I should not have this desire to tell strangers my personal endeavors, but I feel that some things should be dealt with laughter in order to help deal with the trauma. I recently found out that I need to have a partial hysterectomy. Yes my uterus will be ripped out and prolly sold in the underground market as a large ashtray or conversational table centerpiece.
What do they do with such rejected body parts? Actually I don’t want to know. As long as they take out the correct part I’ll be ok. You hear of horror stories, surgeons removing the wrong leg, or perhaps the wrong boob. I mean how does one apologize for something like that? “Ummmm, I sort of lopped off the wrong leg, but pathology is digging for it and hopefully we can get that right back on you. Not sure if it will be functionable but hey look on the bright side, I won’t charge you for it.” So off to the hospital I go next Tuesday, I’m thinking of writing in a big red sharpie a note for the surgeon on my tummy. “Just the uterus…..please”
For much needed points please click here

Would this be a good idea?

2009-01-06T10:54:00.006-05:00

Ok do we really think it’s a good idea

to put this..…I mean him in the senate?

Things that make you go hmmm?

2008-12-03T09:04:00.008-05:00

Alright everyone, another segment on: “things that make you go hmmm???” Last night I was in bed, the heat just kicked on, outside its cold and snowy. I said to myself as I pulled my blanket and snuggle bunnied up, “ahhhhh all snug as a bug in a rug” I stopped to realize that, 1. I really need to stop talking to myself. 2. Where the frick do these sayings come from? 3. They make no damn sense at all. 4. Where are my socks, my damn feet are cold!
So as I lie there with cold feet of course, I think of all the stupid sayings out there that we all are guilty of using.
· “Snug as a bug in a rug”- first of all bugs should be DEAD, not all snug in a rug. Who’s the ass that knelt down one day and saw a bug on a rug and said “awww a cute little bug all snug in a rug” That person should have done nothing but step on that bug or flick it hard against the wall insuring it’s deserved death….sick bastard.

· “Cold as hell”- hmmmmmm, let me think about this a bit. I am far from a geologist (NERD) and all but wouldn’t HELL be hot? The whole purpose of HELL and damnation is the hot flaming part. When I get there I will make sure to assess the surroundings and let everyone know for sure.
· “Dead as a door nail”- I am just confused about this one all together and have nothing to say about it.

· “Easy as pie”- I can say from experience that pies are not easy. As a matter of fact I believe there are still petrified flour chunks on my kitchen ceiling from the last time I attempted to bake a pie.

· “Cute as a button”- I have never come across a button that was deemed “cute”. Cute to me is, a yittle fluffy kitty, a yittle baby newborn (although I have seen some ugly babies before), or perhaps even the ass of your local UPS guy. All can easily fall in the category of “cute” But a button??? Obviously a long time ago someone said something like, “oh God she is butt ugly”. Upon re-telling the story to someone else, the person felt the need to be nice and say “oh she was as cute as a butt…button, yes that’s it” Please feel free to add some of the dumb sayings you know!

To vote or not to vote.......

2008-11-04T10:53:00.005-05:00

Well today is the day we vote for either a fascist or an old ass decrepit man. Good luck to us all.........

Hey, I've got a "stimulus" package for wall street!

2008-10-23T21:24:00.008-04:00

I bet this is one stimulus package every American can afford

Put your hands up and step away from the Knitting Needles!

2008-10-21T14:14:00.008-04:00

BLUE ASH (Isn’t that the popular shade of hair color over the age of 70?), Ohio - An 89-year-old Ohio woman faces a charge of petty theft because neighborhood children say she refused to give back their football.
Edna Jester was placed under arrest last week and taken to the police station in the Cincinnati suburb of Blue Ash. Police say there had been an ongoing dispute over the errant football and a child's father called to report that Jester kept the ball after it landed in her yard.
Blue Ash Police Capt. James Schaffer says police warned Jester twice and finally arrested her after she refused to accept a citation. She must appear in mayor's court next month.
What the fuck has this world come to that we feel the need to ARREST an 89 yr old lady for not giving back a ball that was thrown into her yard?!

Who the hell do we have to call to make aware of this beyond fucked up situation?! First of all, I’m sure they conveniently forgot to mention the ball was thrown into her yard, no doubt landing on her rose bushes over and over again.

With each time some damn bastard brat running all over her property to retrieve it…over and over again. For the love of Danny Marino! Personally if it were me, I would have marched down to Dick’s sporting goods and purchased 20 footballs. Then I would have marched down to the local high school and paid their star quarterback $20.00 bucks to launch them (very hard) at the kids as they trespass into my yard.

This is our hard earned money raped from us, for taxes to be used for BULLSHIT things like this! Are they actually taking the time in our judicial system to hear such a case?!

Dear Christ someone needs to point out this atrocity! Back in my day, if you were stupid enough to get caught in the yard of your neighbor (unless you are mowing their lawn for a bag of pennies and a stick of juicy fruit gum) then you reap the punishment.

Which was up to the neighbor AND on top of what your mother’s going to do you when you get home. If flowers were trampled…Hell you are on your own with that one. I think those officers should be down right ashamed of themselves for arresting an old lady for keeping something that was thrown into HER property! They should be lined up and beaten by old ladies and their handbags!

To keep all the old bag's out of jail, vote here

Proof of why we need to beat our children.

2008-10-15T13:15:00.006-04:00

ASHEVILLE, N.C. - A 19-year-old Asheville teenager said she legally changed her name to CutoutDissection.com, to protest animal dissections in schools. The Asheville Citizen-Times reported that graduate Jennifer Thornburg now wants to be called “Cutout”. The teenager said she began opposing dissections in middle school, after a class assignment to dissect a chicken wing made her uncomfortable. Ok where should I start?…how about, are you friken kidding me here! For the love of Col. Sanders what is wrong with dissecting a chicken wing? I mean you can eat it when you’re done! Roll it in some hot sauce, dip it in blue cheese and be done with it! What is this girl’s malfunction? Obviously her parents did not beat her enough. The only thing this girl is accomplishing with her “statement” is that she is a brainless tree hugging, plants have feelings, no eating anything with a face, one square of toilet paper using, bean sprout sucking, twit. As a child, when you pick your nickname it should NOT involve words such as, “cut” or “dissection”. Your occasional “booger”, “dick”, “tiny’, “slappy” or “happy” are frequently used, but “CUT” that should be the first sign of insanity and your parents should beat you and sign you up for many hours of therapy. Now what does she pose the teachers use for dissection? A bunch of Mr. Potato heads? How about you shut up, suck it up and deal with it. And your grade for this quarter is an F…..ya big dummy! Wow…..It’s been a while since my last rant…sorry! To carve...I mean save the chickens....click here!

HELLO!

2008-10-10T12:04:00.007-04:00

While I have some free time, I thought I would update all my humor blog buddies on my school endeavors! First of all for some reason, in college they feel the need to hand out large amounts of homework? Do they not know I have other things to do? I mean really, how selfish of them. I thought maybe my teacher’s would see that since I am in my thirties (ahhhhh!) that surely I would have the knowledge and experience, therefore should be excluded from such obscene amounts of homework. This apparently is not the case and my teacher’s were not amused with me pointing out such details. I also found out that I should give myself more time to walk 4 parking lots away from my building to bound up 4 flights of stairs and 3 hallways to class. For some reason I thought this would only take a minute or 2. Silly me. I also realized no matter what your age and what school you are in, there is always a plethora of people that ask STUPID questions that take up time and do nothing but irritate and piss off the teacher along with all surrounding people that possess half a brain. Well alrighty then, I promise next blog will induce laughter either at me or with me…either way is fine! Take care.

please have pity and give me a vote!

What the Fu!*k is this? And how is it possible?

2008-09-06T12:41:00.013-04:00

Someone please tell me, perhaps my friends at “Nanny Goats in panties” can explain to me how this is physically possible? How on earth can a creature without opposable thumbs climb up those tiny branches? Another important question….WHY? Why do these cute yittle billy goats feel the need to trek up a tree? Is it the view or perhaps a longing to be a bird? Or could they possibly have had enough of this world and decided to climb to the highest limb and fling their bodies off to sure death. I bet it’s a guy thing….maybe the Billy goat that can climb the highest on a death defying small tree limb, gets all the chicks! For my last question…..how do they get down?
Help me out with a vote, or I’ll have to join the Billy goats…only my ass will fall halfway up the damn tree.

What the hell am I thinking?!

2008-09-01T21:23:00.007-04:00

For some strange reason I decided to go back to school. I never finished college, so this week I will begin a new and hopefully non painful journey. I will be taking a break from humor world to focus on telling myself the young ones are NOT pointing and laughing at the old lady. I will need all my strength to work my full time job and continue to take care of my lovely children and husband. If I don't crash and burn, I'll be back for my humor fix! Don't worry I will still start my day with all of my favorite bloggers and their posts. I will also continue to vote smiley faces for you all as well. Why don't you send me off with a vote now? Thank you !

Magic bird shit?

2008-08-25T12:25:00.009-04:00

Gone are the days of simple cold cream and Swedish massage. Nowadays, ailments like sore muscles, lank locks and sallow skin are being remedied with the likes of nightingale excrement (that would be….BIRD SHIT, you can fancy it up all you want by using “nightingale” in front of it, but shit is shit folks) facials, full-body fish therapy, snake massages and — yes — preheated golf balls. (I’m sorry what did you say?)
First of all, if I want bird shit on my face, I’ll go down to the pier and get shit on for free.
Holy Tiger Woods! Pre-heated golf balls?? Where would those be going?? And more importantly why?

Think real hard about that everyone….pre-heated golf balls…why not pre-heated tennis balls? Or maybe pre-heated footballs? Why golf balls? Damn weird rich people!

Equally healing help can be found underwater, courtesy of a flock of hungry fish. (Not to be associated with “flock of seagulls”) At Samputon Spa in Malaysia, a unique breed finds supreme succor nibbling on the dead skin of spa-goers who submerge themselves in their tanks.

Ailments like psoriasis and flakey skin on fingers and feet are put under pain-free attack by these ravenous skin-savers, though the experience is most certainly not for the faint of heart.

“When you are talking about 1000 fish rallying around the body, it definitely scares the squeamish types away,” says spa founder Joe Ng.
Ummmmmmm, let me get this straight, you jump into a filthy tank filled with thousands of ravenous fish, so they can feed off of your dead skin?…..and you pay to do this?

Let me think on this for a minute. I am pretty damn sure that you wouldn’t catch any of my dead skin anywhere near this tank full of piranhas. Whose to say the fish know when to stop?

Like they know when the dead skin stops and your fresh new ALIVE skin begins. All those “beeshies” (that’s what my kids call em) nibbling on your epidermis while you are awake….that tank would have more than fish poop in it if ya know what I mean.

It used to be that nightingales, fish and snakes were just considered part of nature’s majesty, nothing more than elements of the great outdoors that could be enjoyed by those with a penchant for all things wild and wonderful.

That was before a few clever spa practitioners decided to get creative (creative meaning, better ways to charge a boat load of money to stupid people who can afford to be stupid).

Liquor therapy is also big in some spas, (ok now that sounds better, I’m in!) Moral of the story, no matter how many tarded things you do and how much you pay to do it, your simple ass is going to get old and saggy.

If you have dry flaky skin, march on down to the drug store and get a bottle of baby oil or moisturizer of some kind.

If for some reason you feel the need to have a bird shit on your face….well, I can’t help you with that one, clearly you’re a sick individual and should just go somewhere….far.

Before you go somewhere though, go here and vote for me! , I promise it will be fish and bird shit free….well, mostly.

Wanted- all available ugly chicks

2008-08-19T20:28:00.019-04:00

CANBERRA - A plea for lovelorn female "ugly ducklings" to move to a remote Australian mining town to reverse a shortage of eligible women has landed the local mayor in hot water.
Mount Isa Mayor John Molony was refusing to apologize on Monday for angering local women (local women meaning, the ugly ones) with a suggestion that "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged should proceed to Mount Isa," in north-west Queensland state.
Now this is the kind of guy we need in the white house!

No sugar coating bull shit with this one! Straight to the point and in possession of big balls! I can hear it now, “My fellow Americans, Russia has launched a barrage of intercontinental missiles that will arrive in California in approximately 30 minutes.

Please do not, I repeat do NOT try to run, hide, or evacuate in anyway. There is absolutely no point in wasting your time, your all going to die in an incinerating painful explosion which will catapult the entire state into the ocean, no matter what you do. Oh and Hollywood, all air flight has been grounded due to Global Warming. Thank you and good night.

Please help a blogger out, and visit humor blogs to give me a vote! While your there, check out some of the other blogs. I guarantee you will laugh your arse off.

How about a home made mammogram?

2008-08-14T21:31:00.007-04:00

I told myself I would never repeat this story, let alone write it down and share it with others. The event was traumatizing enough, but to recall it and have others know about it….just gives me the shakes.
Without sharing this story however, it clearly is a disappointment to my brother, who thinks anything that horrifying and hysterical should be shared with all…as much as possible. So now that he has started a blog himself, I will tell the tale, as to beat him to the punch.
It was a lazy hot day, I remember this fact because at the moment of the incident I was sweaty and irritated, bitching about not having air conditioning. We were getting ready to move and I was working hard at boxing things up. Because of the heat, I was just wearing boxers and a t-shirt and ‘the girls’ were hanging free, unsuppressed by the boulder slings (torture devices) we call a bra.
Now saying “boulders” is really being generous, a full C cup though is nothing to be unhappy about. After breastfeeding two kids who might as well have been attached to the tit for the whole 24hr day, “the girls” are not as perky as they used to be. Now why you ask is the state of my tits such an issue right now? Well it is the key leading to the tragic event itself.
My lovely husband was on the floor, unfortunately for him it was not because he was dead. He was taking something apart or whatever it was that I myself could not or did not want to do.
So I walk innocently up to the dresser I was clearing off and emptying and I grab the lamp and get on my tippy toes and lean over the dresser to yank the cord out of the wall. To much of my surprise I heard the top dresser drawer shut, after that I don’t remember much.
According to my husband’s recollection, he heard a blood curdling scream which scared him so bad he could only lay there in fear for his very soul. Yes people, the unthinkable happened….I had shut and closed my very own mammary in the top drawer.
The kind of shut where you have to open it to release whatever object is in it.
Now let’s all take a moment of silence and realize the magnitude of what I just said. I closed my tit, nipple, mammary or what ever you like to call it tightly into a dresser drawer. For some reason unknown to me, the world kept revolving, if I had any power all life would have ceased at that moment of impact.
Apparently my husband looked up at my convulsing body and thought I was being electrocuted. Unfortunately this was not the case, and I was fumbling against the sheer agonizing pain to open the drawer. I did finally open the drawer and again if I had powers of some sort, my husband would have been skinned alive were he lay.
Although he had the look of compassion he did know that if he made eye contact with me his heart would have stopped.
He did survive though and so did my breast. It did however turn black for a week, and since I was little I was told if something turns black, it’s gonna fall off. Now you know of my pain, and because of that I expect you to vote for me here

It's getting hot in here!

2008-08-11T22:03:00.027-04:00

A small-time evangelist was arrested during a church service Monday after police found a body in his freezer believed to be his wife, a mother of eight who strangely disappeared 4 years ago. (I’m sure some of the church members have asked her whereabouts? What did the preacher say? “She’s up north taking a vacation, trying to find God.”
For the love of frosty! She was in the freezer for four years?! “Hey kids, can u go down to the freezer and get some hamburgers and a bag of tots, they should be right next to your mother’s elbow, just under her foot.”

Anthony Hopkins (You have got to be kidding?!) 37, is charged with murder AND incest of his eight children. (As if murder wasn’t enough) He was arrested at a church in Jackson, Ala., during a revival.

So, during his “religious awakening”, did they go over the part “though shall not kill” or you’ll end up in a flaming pit of torturous hell, having creatures rip you apart? …Hey, I actually feel better now!
Police said, no one reported Hopkins' wife, 36-year-old Arletha Hopkins, missing. (Well…no duh! they were too scared, I’m sure they saw “Silence of the lambs”).

You know it’s bad enough there is a large majority of “religious mentors” who’s service include humping little boys, but icing your wife and then conducting a “revival” every Sunday is just pure ballsy.

Now if it was a Baptist church, during his revival would he have broken out with a upbeat rendition of Metallica’s song,” I’ve got something to say…..I killed your mother today” great….I’ll be singing that all day, anyway this is why we should skip the whole justice system and go straight for the large incinerator, which should be built behind every town hall.

Yes, think of all the money and time we could save? Just swing the sick bastard headfirst into a huge pit of flaming death, you know, to prepare him for his eternal state.

The kind of swing where you sloooowly swing him back and count “one” making sure his face gets close enough to feel the heat, then “twoooo” and ‘threeeeee” and weee weee he is flung into the chamber of lava death.

Don’t worry Mr. Al Gore, we will make sure they are all run efficiently with corn fuel or whatever the hell that’s “Eco friendly” enough for your hypocritical ass. Shit…ridding society of sick bastards is “Eco- friendly” to me. Hey be green and vote for me here

Got worms? I do

2008-08-06T22:03:00.011-04:00

Yesterday I am driving home with my two daughters in the car, which is always a joy. If you have 2 daughters you know what I mean. Teenager daughter is in the front seat of course, and 10yr old in the back going through her bundles of goodies from a day at grandma’s house.

For some reason unknown to me or God, my mother likes to give them stuff every time they come over. All kinds of stuff, it could be a whole range of things from hand me down dress up clothes for my youngest, to arts and crafts they diligently worked on. There will always be at least a box or bag or two of stuff!

So I’m driving along trying not to use my car as a battling ram against all mother loving Botards that forgot how to drive home during rush hour. Suddenly my mommy senses told me to glance back at the little one.

Since I am on the expressway, I just quickly take a look in the mirror and sure enough, I see her engrossed in what I can only imagine as something really bad, messy or dangerous to anyone in the vicinity. So I push down that feeling of parent panic and figure it can’t be THAT bad. So I risk a quick turn of my head to actually see face to face what she is doing.

I then see my daughter holding what looks like a large slimy and most importantly a living thing. I turn back and give my teenager a look of pure disgust and she rolls her eyes, which teenagers are real good at.

So right there I knew, she knew what the HELL was going on in the backseat of my car that I can never keep clean or empty.

After checking my mirrors to make sure I didn’t run anyone off the road again, I take another look and this time she decided to shove her hands closer to my face just in case I want a closer and better look.

How nice of her, anyway there, within 5 inches of my facial area was a large, fat, juicy, dirty, disgusting, wiggly worm. Complete with my little one’s face contorted into an evil grin followed with that Jack Nicholson chuckle.

My lovely teenager busted out with “ask her what’s in the other container ma” Are you fucking kidding me here?! So, I ask the little dear what is in the other container.

She responded with “minnow’s, lots of them.”

For the love of Jack Hanna! Why do I have worms and minnows in my car and all over my child….while I’m driving?!

You see it’s just one more group of living creatures that will end up a dried up smelly cluster of death….in my house! I can’t possibly have any land left to bury anymore dead things!

As we go over a high bridge my first instinct was to chuck all containers containing things that I do not want alive….. anymore.Then I realize my little one will be traumatized and pissed off, and I was in no mood for “whinny, I have a vagina” drama.

Then as usual I remember a saying my mother used to say every chance she got, “I can’t wait till you have kids of your own!” Yeah ma, so you can send them home with everything that pissed you off that I did.

So, I turned back around and said it, “ I can’t wait till you have kids someday!

What’s worse than the residual smell of minnows in stinky lake water as you drive to work the next morning? Pretty much nothing.Please have pity and vote for me here

Here’s a Quickie

2008-08-04T16:13:00.011-04:00

Paris Hilton's mom takes offense at McCain's humor

On Sunday, Hilton's mother, Kathy Hilton, a McCain donor, registered her disapproval.
(Ah yes because the “Hilton” name has such high standing’s in the grounds of morality.)

McCain, the Republican presidential candidate, said last week that his campaign ad mocking Democrat Barack Obama with images of Hilton and singer Britney Spears was part of an attempt to inject humor into the presidential race. (I’m pretty damn sure Brittany’s mother will keep shut on this topic.)
The ad plays on Obama's popularity by dismissing him as a mere celebrity, like Hilton and Spears.Why? Has he been seen going "commando?" I'm pretty sure if I saw a shot of his dangling crotch as he got out of his limo, I'd remember it. I'm also pretty sure Oprah would be right behind him gathering it up to carry it for him. The Obama campaign has said the ad is proof that McCain would rather launch negative attacks than debate important issues. Which prompted Hilton to speak of her disdain.

Soooooo, she takes “offense” at this???? This, coming from a woman that spawned 2 of the biggest skanks known to society. Hmmm?? I wonder if she displayed her high moral standards as the video of her daughter “smoking the pole” played on you tube for a month. If I was her I would keep her mouth shut, her daughters can take care of all that mouth flapping on their end….

please throw me a bone, vote for me here and check out the other funny bastards..I mean blogs!

Courtney Love??....I don't think so

2008-07-31T14:03:00.004-04:00

I have a question for Courtney, do you ever get dressed while your sober? I’m all for fighting the whole aging process and “hitting the wall” with a good fight at least, but this is not normal, at all…nor should it be allowed……in public, or anywhere there happens to be human beings. Let’s review shall we.

1. The slut bag’s…opps! I mean, the poor dear’s face looks like it has been pulled back and duct taped under the naps of her over processed hair.

2. If you are over 35 (and that is being generous) please do NOT don fishnet stockings…. especially WHITE ones…..ever. (Unless, you want something done around the house from your husband)

3. Placing a splotch of purple dye on to your matted hair, not a wise choice if your skin tone is a shade lighter than Casper’s. If you must insist, then while you are at it, at least touch up your black roots….I mean really.

4. Someone should have told you chunky Frankenstein shoes are no longer “in”……and there ugly. (With as much falling and passing out she does, one would think she’d pick a more sensible shoe.

5. I do have to hand it to her as far as her body goes, great shape, although with a diet consisting of Quaaludes, speed, cocaine, vodka and a shot of heroin here and there, I expect nothing else.

6. Maybe she was trying to achieve the whole “fuck me I’m still sexy look” but I have to say, it’s more of a “commit me immediately” look.

Please vote for me at and save me from hitting the wall!

Who the hell released The Kraken?

2008-07-22T10:53:00.014-04:00

I don’t know what all the fuss was regarding water boarding, throw a prisoner into the same room as my husband and his snoring will drive the man to complete insanity, begging to share his valuable secrets. I’m talking about the kind of snoring that can actually be genetically linked to “The Kraken” (For those of you that are not cool and too young to know, “The kraken” is the great beast in the movie “Clash of the Titans”).
A snore so loud, that instead of wanting to smother the snorer, you just want to kill yourself. A snore so loud and thunderous it can wake you up out of a peaceful R.E.M from another floor of the house…with the door shut. I am not sure how it is physically possible to create such a sound in your sleep unless of course your best friends with George Lucas, but I am quite sure it’s NOT normal.
I also believe that if I do a census, unexplained sleep deprivation for the neighboring houses and it’s occupants will be a key factor. Thankfully “The Kraken” does not sound off every night, just on the nights…...I need to, sleep.
I think Al Gore should be notified, he would want to immediately be the founder a project to harness the energy put out from my husband’s mouth and power all of California. Either that or he would blame global warming along with the melting of ALL the polar caps directly on “The Kraken”, I mean my husband.
Some nights I actually play though several scenarios in my mind of how one can make the torture stop. Then after several swift and slightly forceful kicks combined with forearm shoves to my “innocent” sleeping husband, he changes position, which quiets the roar long enough for me to fall back asleep. For the life of me I cannot comprehend why the noise emulating from his own actual body does not wake himself up?
I really think that if you make a recording of the torturous sound, which would probably be dangerous for mankind to possess but anyway, hook up the recording to be continuously played at our borders, this will deter all life from wanting to enter. Please if there is a scientist that can invent a force field to place my husband into during his slumber, I would greatly appreciate it. To silence The Kraken, click here, and don't forget to vote

Thumper?…..more like Humper!

2008-07-14T08:35:00.007-04:00

This summer nature decided to grace us with the realistic view of the cute, fluffy, nose twitching creature…the bunny. Yes, little bunny foofoo has been quite busy in our yard this year.
Ever so often we see an adult bunny or two hopping around our back yard. Unfortunately it’s always in the vicinity of my garden. If you know me at all I am far from having a “green thumb” and I have pretty much winged it with the whole gardening thing. I dig a hole and throw some damn seeds in it and look up to the sky and beg GOD to give me bounty.
So I get a tad bit distressed when I see Mr. Bunny foo foo hovering near on or around my garden. I guess it’s ok if they have a nibble or two, I mean how can I say no to those cute bunners with their cotton tail? Little did I know those cute bunners are not so innocent!
All of a sudden we were stepping in baby bunner nests all over the damn place. We were inundated with furry little bundles, hopefully not from the same mother…that would just be too much for any female and could not possibly be good for their..umm private area. Unfortunately though, the bunner mother seems to be retarded. She is not properly providing accurate coverage for such frail teenie weenie bundles of baby fluffers!
She is just laying them on top of the grass and putting a wad of grass over them. Unfortunately our 2 dogs are not retarded…well not when it comes to real live play things to thrash about and proudly bring into the house as to reward us for feeding and housing them. So, some bunners are not surviving, which is quite horrifying for my 2 girls and I.
The hubby thinks they resemble rats too much so he could pretty much care less. At first, my youngest daughter and I tried frantically hopping around the yard gathering up as many bunners we can pounce on with our not so cat like agility.
Even though they are tiny helpless looking creatures, as soon as you disturb a bundle of them they dart off with light speed in opposite directions of course.
At this point most our neighbors simply shrug off our random weird acts, even if we are hoping around like frantic freaks. As we fling our bodies into the air, arms outstretched to grasp those little bundles of fast fury, we gather as many as we can to save them from impending death. I yell out to my little one, “quick get them, get them all, we must save the bunnies!” We safety place them into our fenced garden, this will at least save them from the awaiting mouths of our dogs.
Well, just about every day we have had some sort of a bunny incident. For the love of Peter cotton tail! How much humping can these bunnies do!? Do they ever take a break and maybe sleep? Is it in their genetic code to spawn as many babies they can in their lifetime?
Could it be that their goal is to rule the world someday? We already had a “humper” in the oval office…didn’t work out so well. Well, now that I have implanted the thought into my mind, I am sure I will have nightmares of bunnies multiplying at seemingly impossible rates! Some more bunnies have hopped their way over to

"Oh BeeHave"

2008-07-07T12:12:00.010-04:00

Twelve million honeybees (I think they used the word “honeybee” as to prevent the extreme panic and terror of saying “killer bees”) were released along Canada's largest highway in northwest New Brunswick after a transport truck overturned.

The driver of the truck was not hurt. (ummmm am I the only one who could give a flipping crap if the driver was hurt or not? I’m more concerned about the millions of little stinging soldiers of pain surrounding my….area. Personally, since he was not hurt, I believe someone should take his ass out back and beat him about the head and ass area for being such a careless botard.

"It's certainly not a situation where you want to tempt problems," said Duplain. "You certainly don't want to go walking through a field of disoriented, agitated honey bees." (Really?? Well no shit Sherlock, anyone in their right mind would have ran like Richard Simmons his first day in prison to get their precious ass far from the giant pissed off bee cloud of slow burning death.)

Duplain said if the bees are not captured quickly, they could disperse into the countryside and find a home inside a tree hollow or another protected area, though it's unlikely they would survive very long. (Well, with my luck that would be my home…yes I could see it now, I open my door to go to work one lovely morning and suddenly I am stalked by millions of pissed off bees.
They instantly home in on my Casper white like body, attracted to the blank canvas. They assume my simple ass would never out run their attack. Little did they know…no one messes with me in the morning…I don’t give a shit if it’s a colony of bees or not, a smack down will occur, and I will walk…or run away triumphantly.)

The moral of this story first of all is NOT to transport such a huge amount of bees, "honey" or "killer" in the near vicinity of humans..Unless you’re transporting to Iraq and they are injected with a virus to cause a slow painful death of course.

Second, please hire a competent woman to do such a job. We are so scared of bugs and anything that flies, looks icky and can hurt us at the same time. So you could bet your sweet ass a woman would be more than careful as to NOT be the cause of a mass amount of bees being set free anywhere near our body or within 5 miles of our aura.

To send a colony of pissed off bees to Iraq click here

Caution...show dogs

2008-06-24T22:28:00.008-04:00

While driving home along the what seems to be a never-ending line of cars, I look up to the van in front of me and notice a large custom white sign that reads

This of course perplexes me until I see another sign that is of the American flag with a dog’s face in it. Again I sit there confused yet verging on understanding why this brings irritation to me, then it hits me, this jackass wants us all to know he/she has show dogs in their van and is telling us loud and clear with his big sign to show CAUTION.
Hmmmmm let me see here, you want me to read the sign and take note that you have a show dog in your van? This will make me drive EXTRA careful of course as to not do anything to jeopardize your precious cargo? What exactly do you want me to do? What does "CAUTION" mean to you?
Do you want me to hang back and let you drive an uninterrupted path with your stupid fu fu dogs in the back munching on environmentally friendly “green” doggie biscuits so they are safe and unjostled? Or are you telling us all to have caution because show dogs suddenly have the tendency pop out of your trunk?
So, if we see a white poodle with pink dyed ears and a diamond collar flying through the air at our windshield we should show caution? I think they should specify the “caution” warning. Now I have seen signs/stickers that read “caution baby in the car” this of course I understand and take note to self as to not be a crazy rage road filled driver near that vehicle.
Now this person with the show dogs…obviously had to have the sign made for them…do to the fact there cannot possibly be another idiot that would think of such a thing. I really think the sign company should have made them another sign for free to go along with it. It would read

Maybe I am the only girl that cannot comprehend why dog shows exist…..or idiots for that matter, I thought natural selection was supposed to take care of that?
Don’t get me wrong, I think dogs are cute and some puppers I just want to shove into my pocket so I can take it out when I want and smooch it on it’s cute wittle fuzzy face, but to parade hundreds of them around like little coiffed freaks to be inspected, poked and prodded by some lady dressed in a rhinestone shirt and skirt complete with a bee hive hairdo and attitude to match, I just don’t get it.
While channel surfing, I have actually seen a judge grab the nads of a rottweiler as if he was weighing them, measuring the girth of dog balls just doesn’t seem right…or safe. I’m not the smartest person in the world but I do know cupping the balls of a dog large enough to maul you to actual death…would not be a wise thing to do, although it would make for great entertainment for everyone else, (not the death part!)
Well I made it home without a hurdling poodle slamming into my windshield and a new found awareness of the serious business of show dogging.
click here to view some fancy show dogs!! http://humor-blogs.com/

Robot Lovin

2008-06-19T08:51:00.003-04:00

A Japanese firm has produced a 15-inch tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command (unfortunately she cannot bake cookies or do your laundry), to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men. (Momma’s boys)

Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" puckers up for nearby human heads entering what designers call its "love mode". (Hmmm I wonder if she has the headache mode?)
"Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive"(minus PMS, she lacks the bitch mode, which reminds you she cannot possibly be real…in any way)

She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." (Does that mean she can make you feel guilty which will make you hand her a wad of money to go shoe shopping with her other robot girlfriends?”)
Other features for the new robot girlfriend are:
1. Can be programmed to bitch the minute you walk through the door…about something you have forgotten to do of course. (For real authenticity)

2. A 3-button option panel for breast size. A. Jennifer Anniston boobs B. Carmen Electra boobs C. Dolly Parton boobs (most popular size)

3. Mute button (most used button)

*Company is still working on teaching the robot to walk in heels

· Disclaimer- shut her completely off while you sleep….. While testing robot she contracted a virus that manipulated her motor functions. The company’s president appreciated being chosen to be the first momma’s boy…I mean “lonely guy”, to test the robot…however, did not appreciate waking up to see that all his furniture has been rearranged and the chocolate stash annihilated…not to mention new pink frilly curtains have appeared in his bathroom.

After yelling at his new “girlfriend” he had to return her for a modification, apparently she was no longer speaking to him.

For a free trial with robot girlfriend click here http://humor-blogs.com/

Things NOT to do the first time mowing a lawn.

2008-06-08T18:23:00.003-04:00

Things NOT to do the first time mowing a lawn.

1. Do NOT wear shorts- apparently small objects of pain like to shoot back in the direction of your legs at g-force.

2. Do NOT wear sneakers you care about- your favorite gym sneakers do not look cool with a bright green stain, mixed with the aroma of the gas you spilled all over them while trying to fill the mower’s gas tank.

3. Do NOT I repeat do NOT stop to wave furiously at your child that is jumping on the trampoline- the mower does not care how cute you think you are being and will take your simple ass for a ride.

4. Do NOT ignore your husband while he is giving you much needed directions- for some reason the mower stops every time you let go of the handle.

5. Do NOT ignore upper body exercises at the gym- if you do not have the strength of the incredible hulk, you will not be able to pull that stupid rope over and over again till it starts back up…each time you let go of that damn handle.

6. Do NOT move that lever up to the highest number thinking it will make it work better- again without much needed upper body strength you will be dragged at mock speed into a tree that is of course in your way.

7. Do NOT think the mower can shred and chop like your favorite kitchen appliance or garbage disposal- running over large sticks will NOT be shredded into non harming lawn darts…you will kill someone or ruin the stupid lawn mower blade.

8. Do NOT look at a rock and run it over anyway- the mower blade will not simply or lightly throw it aside. It will however kick it back at the speed of light and lodge it into your epidermis.

9. Do NOT keep a firm grip on the handle when you trip- even though its hard to start that damn mower all over again, it’s even harder to remove the grass stains on your knees that go through all 7 layers of your skin.

10. Do NOT think you can do everything just as good as a man- apparently men can do some things better and we should just force them…..I mean let them do it themselves. It will save us our cute gym sneakers, a lot of bruises, cuts and calluses, along with the dirty looks of your neighbors….because apparently they have never heard a swear word or two.

for a much needed point and to keep me from mowing again please click here http://humor-blogs.com/

2008-05-31T23:11:00.009-04:00

Time to make the donuts!

Ok everyone, why are the liberal fanatics allowed to run around and ruin living? Get a load of this crapola!

Dunkin' Donuts, based in Canton, Mass., has pulled an advertisement after a scarf worn by pitch woman Rachael Ray was compared to a Muslim headscarf. Michelle Malkin, a conservative commentator for Fox News, said in her syndicated column that the paisley scarf worn by Ray in the ad resembles a traditional keffiyeh headscarf worn by Muslim men.

Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial.

“Given the possibility of misperception” For the love of Versace! Can a woman not even wear a damn fashion accessory now without worrying of the possibility she MIGHT offend someone?! Yet we let people like this walk around offending….pretty much anything that is breathing….

Where the hell was P.E.T.A for this freako nut job?

Anyway, are we now to a point where we really can’t show an advertisement… because of a SCARF that might be perceived wrong?! Well, for something this important we better start a government funded fashion police to patrol our once free “non” communism country!

Come on people, this madness must stop, I must not be the only person that thinks this is insane? If I was Rachael Ray I would wear that scarf and nothing more in the next taping of her show. Now that would be offensive! As white as I am, it also might blind 98% of the viewers or turn them to a pile of dust, but my point would be shown dammit!

Also, can someone please bitch slap the commentator from fox news and tell her to comment on actual news. I’m so fired up over this I really think I might drive to work tomorrow in nothing but a scarf! Well...and maybe a bra too, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't feel good to have "the girls" wrapped up in the stearing wheel as I make a quick turn. No wait, I think I will substitute the bra for 2 straticically placed donuts, chocolate of course. The media will surely get involved due to the mass amounts of car wrecks. Then it will be my turn to protest about the suffocating ways of liberal freaks trying to get everything banned. My husband might have to feed the kids for a night or two while I’m in jail awaiting a mental evaluation, but hey I don’t care! If you would like to join my rally please click on the link here for a much needed point! http://humor-blogs.com/

Mad Burger Disease

2008-05-21T15:54:00.012-04:00

NEW YORK - The Wall Street Burger Shoppe and Its creators, admit it is the ultimate in decadence: a $175 hamburger. Just raised its price from $150 to assure its designation as the costliest burger in the city as determined by Pocket Change

What the hell is wrong with this country?! Who in bloody hell actually processed the thought of making and selling a hunk of hamburger for $175.00?! (A smart bastard that’s who!) and who the flip flanging hell would pay that much for ground hamburger?? I do not in anyway care what ingredients this burger consists of, whether it’s fucking flakes of gold or diamond dust.

Just because you are rich does not justify paying $175.00 for a HAMBURGER, just because you can! Unless of course this burger has magical abilities to do your laundry or dirty dishes, cuz that's the only way I'm paying that kind of money!

For the love of Ronald MC Donald! If you do feel the need to commit such an act, when the waiter brings your check he should also whip out a big black rubber stamp that reads “JACKASS” to forcefully stamp on your forehead……real hard.

If you want to eat and shit out your money like that, then give me a call and I can give you a more constructive way to spend your money.

By the way, the cook and waiter adds a “special touch” to each burger you pompas botards order up, because every semi- sane person knows…nobody likes a pompas ass.

For the love of meat..I mean Pete!Please click on the link to give me a much needed point! http://humor-blogs.com/

Hoplessly Disturbed

2008-05-09T15:44:00.009-04:00

** only one survivor...

Man Arrested After 300 Dead Cats Found in His Freezers
Three over-sized freezers in the foul-smelling home contained the bodies of cats and kittens, police said.

For the love of Mary, what would possess someone to be such a freak? I believe we should implement a new law to be enforced right away. It would state, * if people show warped tendencies early in life then we should immediately assign them to weekly therapy. Examples of such signs would be:
1. Plucking the legs off of insects (which is fine with me really…then they won’t crawl any where near my vicinity.)
2. Wearing underpants over your pants
3. Constructing small dolls that look like your family members or friends complete with snip bits of their hair.
4. Collecting dust bunnies to pile them up in your bed to sleep with.
5. Talking to a hand puppet longer than anyone should.

Such warning signs should be taken seriously. Perhaps if we intervene early enough with treatments such as shock therapy (preferred method), lobotomy or intense counseling sessions, we can stop freakish events from occurring in our societies. Also, if you are the neighbor of a freak and you hear strange things such as, large amounts of meowing combined with a mass odor emulating from someone’s house…then call someone….. immediately.

I understand no one likes a snitch but no one likes to have to be the one to remove 300 catsicles from some freaks freezer either. Back to this freak and his frozen cat fetish, what is this tool’s reason for storing the corpse of 300 cats? And more importantly were the cats wearing little outfits? There is not and will not ever be a valid reason at all to absolve this man’s actions for such cat atrocity. I don’t care if he hated cats so much that his mission in life was to collect all cats and dispatch them.

Maybe he thought if he just killed them all and buried the bodies like a normal person, the cats would rise in the middle of night to claw his face off. Or maybe with the current food price increases, he figured he would stock up on a cheap available alternative…

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Big Balls

2008-05-05T23:35:00.013-04:00

BENTONVILLE, Ark. - An inmate awaiting trial on a murder charge is suing the county, complaining he has lost more than 100 pounds because of the jailhouse menu. Broderick Lloyd Laswell says he isn't happy that he's down to 308 pounds after eight months in the Benton County jail. He has filed a federal lawsuit complaining the jail doesn't provide inmates with enough food.

Are you freaking kidding me with this?! This fat bastard most likely has the largest balls know to the human race! He isn’t happy that he has lost weight because the menu is not to his liking?! Well, I’m sure the person he is accused of killing isn’t happy that they are presently DEAD. This fat bastard is lucky I am not the warden of this “resort” I mean prison.

First of all can someone tell me why jail is not jail anymore? What happened to bread and water for their meals? What happened to a prison sentence that was actually geared towards punishment? Now it involves free college courses, access to computers, work out rooms and themed movie nights for their entertainment. Can someone also tell me why he is allowed to waste our tax payer’s money and take up the valuable time of our courts? It is a dammed shame this gluttony jackass is allowed to do something like this.

OOOh Ooooh I know everybody, let’s all donate an extra “tax dollar” out of our paychecks to go towards the “inmate culinary fund”. This will provide 3 catered meals a day of their favorite restaurants for our poor suffering inmates. Yeah ok and by the time our paycheck pays for all the non working welfare recipients we won’t have a dollar to donate to this much needed fund. On the other hand why don’t we strap saddles on the backs of these spoiled inmates and ride them to work, because gas prices will be so high soon it’ll have to be that or horse and carriage.

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!
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Un-happy trails.....

2008-04-28T22:00:00.009-04:00

Is there a specific reason why my dog feels the need to drag his anal rim across the carpet while I'm trying to relax? Being the mother of two and working full time can be quite challenging when it comes to getting alone time. I'm not sure if I'm being too selfish here, but I would like to enjoy what little alone time I do get, not have it be filled with the uncontrollable urge to look over my shoulder and be the unfortunate witness to my very large basset hound in a position that should not be physically possible for him.

I thought it was pretty bad when he was "fixed" and came home and dragged his empty ball sac across the floor in complete protest, but this ass dragging is way worse and cannot be good for the environment. This act of dragging what I ASSume is an extremely itchy ass cavity slowly back and forth across my carpet is just wrong on so many levels. Not only does it leave a lingering smell of dog anal juice in the air, but I am quite sure it is not healthy for his rectum lining. I just know one day I'm going to turn around and see his rectum lining stretched out and trailing behind him in a crumpled mess. Or worse, kicked up and stretched out over his head!

We must all rally and call someone, anyone who can create an ointment of some sort that will relieve our poor suffering itchy assed pets. Not only will it eliminate those unsightly brown trails left by our loving pets, but it will ensure the wellness of their assholes. Most of all because I will not, I repeat NOT shove his rectum back in when it is abused to the point of a complete fall out.

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Should we stay or should we go....

2008-04-21T23:23:00.011-04:00

I still believe this little creature of evil is to blame for all unexplained happenings...

You know, I like to think of myself as a rational person but now, I’m not so sure. Apparently reality begs to differ on the subject.

First off let me tell you a little about the main person in this story, so you understand my actions and thoughts on this topic. My teenage daughter, soon to be sweet sixteen….not sure of the “sweet” part but anyway, has always been quite level headed and mature for her age. With more patience and understanding than your average teen, I can always count on her to “tell it like it is”. She’s my “rock”; I on the other hand have a problem with scary movies, monsters, gore and anything else in the evil creepiness category. She will be the brave one and look at it from the realistic view, saying “it’s all fake mom…GOD” (insert severe attitude). Once, I watched “The Grudge” and couldn't sleep for a week. Anyway, my daughter would like to tell her part of the story and as I quote from her, “how it all went down”.

Hello everyone, my name is Amanda. I am the lovely wonderful sweet daughter of April. Now, I am the kind of person who LOVES to go to haunted houses, watch scary movies and I will admit I sometimes like to scare people, but what happened to me proved, or warned me to NEVER scare people EVER again.

I was in my room cleaning, while my mom, dad and lovely sister were downstairs. I decided to get the vacuum (this will score me some points with my mom) so I plugged in the vacuum and away I started singing and vacuuming. Now my little sister is kind of annoying at times and does like to scare people. As I was vacuuming I was turned facing my wall my back to the door, so I wouldn’t notice if someone came in my room and I didn’t hear anyone since the vacuum was on. I was singing merrily along , when I felt two taps on my shoulder, now these taps were not those of my hair or my clothes or the curtains in my room like my family was trying to tell me to “ get my mind off it”, noooo, these taps were hard “human like” taps that I thought were from my sister who was trying to get my attention and then ran away, but when I turned around and screamed out her name, she was no where, and I mean NO WHERE to be found.

I immediately ran downstairs, when I got down there I asked if Jordyn was the biggest jerk on the planet or if I had just been taped on my shoulder by something I wasn’t aware living in my room! When I heard the news that “Jordyn had been downstairs the whole time” I instantly started crying, actual real tears “crocodile tears”(as my mother says) and I swear from now on , NO scaring from me will EVER happen again …Oh and I still haven’t slept in my room since.

Well there it is my daughter’s account of our “paranormal experience”. Now here is my response. My first instinct told me to calmly walk upstairs and pack some clothes and the photo albums and get the fuck out. If the kids and hubby decided to partake then fine, as long as it didn’t take them more than 5 min’s to get their shit and meet me in the already started, fully gassed car.

My second response was to crap my pants and offer my husband’s soul to the entity and hope to God my pants stayed on as I swiftly ran upstairs and out the front door…kids or no kids. Of course I chose a more calm action and frantically said “holy crap! Are you kidding?!” why would that happen? Who and what would do that!?” Mean while my little one has started to cry with complete horror on her face. Then I abruptly said “oh honey I’m sure it’s nothing, maybe you had a muscle spasm or something” knowing full well I was talking out of my ass and completely freaked out. I had to be strong for my girls…..fuck that I’m out of here! your all on your own! Kidding, I could never!!

So now I sit here reluctant to go up to my all of a sudden crowded bed and get another sleepless night filled with elbows to my face and little heels pushed up to my ass or back. Maybe tomorrow morning I will get to wake up and walk downstairs in my zombie state to step into a fresh warm puddle of piss again from my lovely dogs. Wait….why did they leave a puddle of piss this morning??? Were they scared by something….shit! Now I’m never going to get some sleep!

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My poor granny!

2008-04-14T22:04:00.007-04:00

You know, I’ve never really thought about how the state of society we live in today would be alarming to our older generation. Think about it, you have people walking around with extreme piercing and tattoos everywhere, nothing hidden. Gay couples outwardly showing affection. People cutting themselves up with plastic surgery and replacing noses and other parts they do not like. Taking GOD out of every public display, school or government building. An African American AND a woman running for presidency. American factories wiped out and outsourced to other countries. Having to import CORN of all things!

Yes these times are quite troubling for anyone let alone our older generation. I called my granny the other night and after asking her how she was she paused and sighed longer than usual. I said, “What’s wrong granny?” She said, “ I don’t know, I’m confused about something” She sounded somewhat scared so I thought I would take a chance and ask for details, knowing full well this would be opening Pandora’s box. She then explained that she heard on the news that a MAN was pregnant and would be giving birth soon and even showed his round pregnant belly on T.V!

She sounded quite upset, so I explained to her that he used to be a woman so it wasn’t all that impossible really. Her response was, “but he still has a “pahdinger”right? Pronounced (puh-dinger). Yes, granny I suppose he, or shim does have a “pahdinger”. “Well…. how are they going to get the baby out and how is he going to breast feed it, and why would she turn herself into a man if she was going to have a baby like a woman?” At that moment all the answers I thought I had for her were wiped out of my head and replaced with utter confusion.

So we sat there in silence for a good 5 uncomfortable minutes. Finally I shrugged and said, “I don’t know granny”. I then realized that we should stop wondering why people do things. Let go some of that confusion and just shrug it off. If someone wants to sew up their vagina and staple on a “pahdinger” and get pregnant, then have at it! Knock yourself out, as my mother would say. No matter what era we are in, crazy will never become extinct, just a new form of crazy will out due the last.

P.S. For the liberals out there.. The examples of shocking things in today's society that I listed, does not mean I am saying any of those are wrong........really

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Poop Patrol (tools needed, a shovel, a bag, knees and a back of steel, and the speed and reflexes of a superhero)

2008-04-07T22:05:00.010-04:00

(My kind of dog!)

Well the last of the snow has melted and the carnage lay waiting to be cleaned up. Knowing Rochester and the freakish weather patterns, we could easily get another snow storm or two before it’s really over. Although if you go by what we wear this season you would think it was June.

Today I thought I would take a chance and with the sun shining I decided to tackle the much hated job of the year…. “Poop patrol.” This is where the lucky person, usually me, gets to clean the back yard and rid it of petrified logs of poop. Of course, my teenager miraculously disappears off to another dimension unknown to me…….yet. My little one however offers her much appreciated help. She can only handle the job of holding the bag though, due to her undeveloped speed needed to dodge a “flicker”. A “flicker” is where you slowly place your little hand shovel under the end of a turd and begin to wiggle it away from the dead grass it has become one with, then you eagerly flick your wrist up and the shovel comes free too fast and flicks the turd back into your facial area. Now don’t underestimate the speed of a flicker, some have been clocked at over 50mph. Nothing say’s “class” more than screaming like a wild crazy bitch for all the neighbors to hear, but a turd hurdling at your face is NOT cool….at all.

Then you have your “runaway turd”. This is where you bend down and insert your shovel all the way under the turd and every time you begin to pick it up it only pushes it further away, causing you to bend down several times and chase it half way across your lawn swearing obscenities while your little one is laughing at you telling you, you shouldn't say those things. Then my favorite, “the mystery I will never feed my dogs leftovers again shit” This turd is usually more of a spread out patty shape, with unidentified objects lodged in it. These turds are the most challenging to pick up and the most likely to result in a “flicker”

As if I could be more entertained with shit delight, I come across a few “albino turds” I see these every year, and every year I mean to call someone, anyone, and ask them or perhaps report the occurrence to the vet. These are chalky white and perfectly uniformed in shape. I sometimes think they are diversion shits thrown in by the squirrels just so I would torture my dogs by taking them to the vet for a rectal exam. Loosing count after 32 sets of turds and 44 individual random turds I am ready to end my day. Working 8.5 hours and coming home to shit pick is all I can bear. So, I take my crap bundle and tell my daughter we are through for the day, that mommy needs a break.

I pick up a few of the 500 hundred scattered pine cones and call it a day. As I throw a handful of pine cones into the open bag, my daughter is making a muffled chuckle sound with absolute happiness beaming from her devilish eyes. I am too tired to ask what sick twisted thing she is holding back from me, then I see it, and in a split second I realize what has turned my otherwise sweet daughter into a devilish chuckle……the “pine cones” falling into the bag are not all pine cones….looks like there are turds, not yet named, that resemble a pine cone……

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Growing old gracefully?

2008-03-31T22:01:00.034-04:00

I usually stay out of the drama news of celebrities, I really don’t care what grocery store Brittany’s cooter was sited or which Olsen twin is wearing the latest garbage bag to hide her emaciated drug infected boy body, wow that was rude…anyway, I just had to comment on Demi Moore’s latest endeavor to fight the winless battle against aging. She announced on Letterman that she is currently using Leech therapy. Yes you read it right, LEECH therapy. Apparently letting those slimy black boogers attach themselves to designated areas on your body has its benefits. To me, a benefit would NOT be placing LEECHES on your body to burrow into your epidermis and feast on your plasma.

First of all I was shocked to learn that Demi even has blood running in her veins to utilize such a process. What’s next sucking the souls out of the young and innocent? Now don’t get me wrong here, if I had a written guarantee signed in blood might I add, that soul sucking would result in eternal youth and beauty, well I might be swayed to the dark side and I would therefore not be allowed around children…alone…anymore.

Well, I would at least try sucking the souls out of humans we don’t care about first, like politicians or lawyers…ohh wait…they don’t have souls. I would like to note that I was at least willing to try an alternate source.

Come on now people, nothing in this world will stop your once perky parts from eroding, not even slapping a leech on your wrinkles to suck them out! It’s inevitable and you will only look worse trying. Resorting to placing icky leeches all over your body to suck you blood out, is it really worth it? Will your body be left with permanent leech hickeys?

How about this visual for you: you are 94 and in a nursing home and it’s time for a shower, so a young perky little nurse’s aid comes bouncing in to help you into the shower and she gets you naked and she cannot help but quietly gasp and you reluctantly look up at yourself in the mirror as if you need proof of what you already know, what you already have tried to suppress.
Slowly you look into the mirror and stare at your saggy profile and you see the “tramp stamp” you got when you we’re 18, that has now sagged into your crevice. Then you turn sideways and at your saggy pouch like waist you see the beginnings of your brownish purple dead nipples attached to a stretched band of transparent veiny skin.
You cringe and try hard to mask your pain, then you look higher now and you see them, those perfect round bulging masses. They are your breast implants, the ones that will out last the life of the sun. Those perky bastards stare back at you in the mirror as if they were mocking you.
You grab your sagging nipple pouches and pull them back behind you trying to make those silicone masses proud. Defeated you turn and tell the aid in a disgruntled voice " take a picture it'll last longer" and shuffle into the shower.

So, the moral of this story is that getting old is a part of life, a sucky part but a fact that we have no control over and unless you want to look like a science experiment gone horribly wrong, then you will just suck it up and move on. I guess you can give Demi credit for giving it a good fight. Personally, I think I will stick with my oil of olay anti-wrinkle cream and hope for the best.

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Here comes Peter cotton tail!

2008-03-24T11:34:00.006-04:00

Ok, I had one of those moments where you sit and wonder about something and it’s origins etc. The kind of thing that make you go hmmmmm????

What possess us as a human race to torture our young several times a year? Think about it, large rabbits walking on 2 legs with gigantic heads, buckteeth and small beady eyes, sneaking into your home to leave chocolate and hide eggs. This alone could strike fear into any child. How about a clown for instance? The never ending, never bending smile plastered upon the painted face of a grown man. The wild orange fluffy hair with a big honking nose only stands out more with his wide open freakishly over eager eyes.

Not to forget the fat bastard Santa! The stories we tell our children of a fat jolly red cheeked man dressed in a red velvet suit toting a bag of toys along with a clan of elves to sneak into your house, watch you while you are sleeping and check his list to see if you are bad or not and eat all the cookies! For the love of Jesus! We wonder why as we slap them onto the laps of these “beloved characters” they wind up their best cry and quiver their lips in fear.

The malls filled with screaming children as we insist they sit on the laps of these freakish characters just to get a picture. Forcing a smile with promises of a prize or perhaps a piece of chocolate. So I sit here and wonder how this all got started? Do we secretly smirk and chuckle as we see children run and scream from these crazy eyed characters?

Is this some sort of a pay back from parents for times we are not allowed to beat our children? Like when your lovely angelic child leaves a glass of milk under their bed, to ferment into a cesspool of germs, or how about when they leave those tiny little toys on every floor of the house for you to step on in the middle of the night as you get up to pee, cuz you are getting older and the bladder just doesn’t hold the way it used to.

Could this possibly be the reason we torture our sweet children with images that haunt them till adulthood? Now for us adults we are tortured with sicko characters in movies that strangely resemble clowns or puppets?? I see a pattern here and I don’t know about you but disturbing is the only word that describes it.

I guess we can all sit back and take this as our little form of entertainment, putting fright into someone somehow makes us all laugh. For example my lovely husband of mine thinks it funny to bring home a new DVD to add to his collection and proudly shove it into my face awaiting a jolt of fear to show across my face and eyes sending him into a good laugh. It was the movie “IT” with a crazy clown and his mouthful of razor teeth. While my husbands recovering, I sit here now and realize the answer to my question is yes; it is because we all get some kind of kick scaring the shit out of a helpless soul.

Hehehehhehe (evil grin)

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Let's bring it back!

2008-03-13T22:24:00.008-04:00

How fun were snowball fights!? Come on now; remember back in the day when you didn’t “feel” the cold? Where you would stay outside all day and build mini igloos and have snowball wars.

Back then pretty much whoever’s side made the best and the most snowballs won. Or who scored major points by pegging an unsuspecting adult. I swear my brother can wind one up and snap it dead at the back of your head with the speed of at least 80 mph. No matter how fast you ran in your padded snow suit and moon boots, no matter how many zig zags you maneuvered, you can even be all the way across the street and 2 houses down and his precisely launched snowball will knock you square on your melon, of course knocking off your knit hat with the little ball at the top.

Then after a whole day of snow enjoyment, you would head inside with 2nd degree frostbite, a few snowburns, wet soggy gloves and moon boots filled with balls of snow that have attached themselves to your leg hair, to have some piping hot cocoa (which of course burns the first 2 layers of skin off your tongue).

Ok check it out, how awesome would it be to bring back that priceless childhood memory to your adult world?! Schedule a big snowball fight at lunch time in the courtyard or where ever you can that does not pose safety issues for others that are NOT playing. I think during the winter at least twice a month every work place should partake in a little lunch time snow adventure! How fun does that sound?!

Now this can also solve pent up frustrations which will alleviate stress in the workplace which in turn will boost productivity and therefore cut down on “mental health days” Have I sold you yet? Just think… you can ping that person who proceeded to work your last nerve after clearly registering the look of “over whelmed” on your face. Nahhh just kidding, Keep it safe and fun, no one likes a “snowburn’ on the middle of their forehead or an ice impacted ear! No matter how much one may deserve it…hehehe (evil grin).

We have become a society that is too busy with being serious, too serious to just let loose and have a little harmless fun. As a matter of fact I think this should be mandatory. So, are you with me? Or are you going to be an old decrepit, no fun having, miserable, serious all the time kind of person? Ok let’s go!

Now I just have one rule…..no one is to hit me in the face…I mean it dammit! Mark! (My lovely twin) you of course are not allowed! Unless, of course you are on my side. Take a minute everyone and sit back and remember a fun time in the snow as a kid. You deserve it.

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DWS (driving while stupid)

2008-03-05T22:49:00.013-05:00

Is there a reason why people feel the need to drive their vehicles while I’m driving mine? Can’t every one just re-arrange their schedules so that they will not be driving while I’m on the road…at all? Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme.

How about this, my car and only my car of course, should come complete with functioning coffee holders, air conditioning and a ZAP button. Yes, a ZAP button. You see I need this convenient accessory so that when certain situations arise I can take care of them at the push of a button. This button will target the correct vehicle and deliver an efficient amount of electricity that will jar its driver ever so slightly…who am I kidding!? I want it to jolt the “STUPID” right out of the deserving driver. Just enough volts to cause a painful 3 second spasm.

The unsuspecting dumbass will then immediately be aware that they have affected others by their stupid driving and think twice not to do so again. A perfect example of people that should not be allowed to drive while I am is:

1. The jack of an ass that feels the need to put on his brakes every 30 to 40 seconds.
2. The botard that thinks it’s a personal racing challenge if you pull ahead of him. (NASCAR wannabe)
3. The bimbo in the swerving back and forth SUV, talking on the phone, putting on her mascara (In case you’re a man reading this, that’s eye make-up) the whole time completely oblivious to all around her.
4. Finally, the hole of an ass person that refuses to comply with merging rules of the road.

Now, I’m sure we can all add even more to this list, but I think it’s a good start, for now. The point is people, if you absolutely have to drive while I am, please do so in the correct manor. Pay attention to what the fuck you are doing and try real hard not to be a rude ass. There is no need to slow the whole process of getting back and forth to work daily just because you have severe issues. If this is the case I suggest you take the bus or car pool with a responsible driver other than your simpleton ass. Oh and can I make a plea to all the cute engineer nerds out there to please design this ZAP device for my car? Thanks ;)

P.S. hamster update...he has been found. Although with patches of missing fur and the still green tongue he is resting and should be fine....however, refuses to talk to me or even look me in the eyes.

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Granny

2008-02-26T13:15:00.006-05:00

I know I am going to get flack for this but it’s too good not to share. It’s a ‘granny” story, yes I have a granny that keeps us entertained with some doozies ever so often. She is 87; we think…you see she has always lied about her age.

Granny is a veteran from World War 2; believe it or not she was a sergeant in the army, a warplane mechanic. So we always looked up to her and enjoyed her stories, even though she has told us the same stories more than 50 times, and each time with the enthusiasm as if she was telling it for the first time.

You don’t mess with Granny; she’ll slap you down quick. She is however starting to loose her mind, well what’s left of it anyway. 2 weeks ago I was cleaning up from dinner and the phone rang and it was granny and in a quiet somewhat guilty tone in her voice she said. “ April…..is food coloring poisonous to hamsters?” “I’m sorry….what…what did you say granny?”. She said again, “ Do you think food coloring would kill a hamster?”

At that very moment my heart started to race and visions of hamster torture methods flashed through my mind. I reluctantly said, “ why granny?”. “Because, I got bored and painted a green stripe on the hamster’s back. I just used green food coloring and a paintbrush. Now he is mad and ran away”.

Again I paused and thought this was it, this is the moment I have been putting off preparing for, the moment my granny snapped to a point of no return. She then told me how she thought it would be a funny thing to do, now she is upset because the hamster is now gone, nowhere to be found.

She told me how she is worried he will die somewhere and turn green. “Well Granny, I said you already took care of the green part remember?” I told her not to worry, that food coloring is not harmful and that maybe he will come back soon.

I quickly ended the conversation due to severe confusion on my part. Now I sat there for a little while absolutely sure that I was going to have to arrange for granny to be put in a home and how that would go over with her. I am physically frightened of her you see; we all believe she has powers to render us…..dead. She seems all sweet and innocent but really we all know the truth. Now an innocent victim has paid the ultimate price of humility. Poor little fluffy stained hamster is somewhere being laughed at by all his buddies.

My next call would be from the hamster, which I assume he has a New York accent.”Hey yo lady that comes here to drop off food for the old dragon, I can’t talk long the bitch is in the bathroom. I need you to come over and bring a wet substance that can remove this hideous color from my once lovely orange coat.

Now listen, I have put up with too much, it’s bad enough I have to be dressed in tight fitting knit ensembles. I don’t even complain much about the bonnets either, but this shit, this shit is wrong and I will not stand for it…anymore. Crap! The evil one is coming! Please lady, please save me! I’m itching oh so bad from this green shit and speaking of shit! My turds have been coming out green for hours! Get here now, or send reinforcements! Before she finds me and I have to sit in those little chairs and drink her nasty tea! For the love of St. Francis!” Click…..all I heard after that was a dial tone.

I then decided that for the best interest of my children and the safety of all who come in contact with my granny, that I should leave it be, turn my head and join the world of denial. I cannot mess with forces of that nature; things could be thrown off course and life, as we all know it could end.

So now I can’t stop thinking of poor little hamster hiding, shivering in a dark place with his green mark of shame. I know I will go to hell for my decision but it’s the only way.

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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

2008-02-25T22:39:00.007-05:00

I came across an interesting little article today; here is a piece of it, along with some comments I felt had to be made. After all I am a woman.

If women ruled the world, everything would change, according to former White House press secretary Dee Dee Myers. Politics would be more collegial (yeah until the first bitch shows up to a meeting with better hair or shoes) Businesses would be more productive. (Except for the day’s we feel bloated, constipated or have bad cramps) And communities would be healthier. (Healthier? Ohh sure, unless you do not count the times we eat cupcakes in the closet so no one finds out, then force our family to eat all their brussell sprouts at dinner) Empowering women would make the world a better place.(just as long as you hide the “red button” cuz one wrong move on a menstrual day and your ass is blown up, no questions asked) Myers challenges us to imagine a not-too-distant future in which increasing numbers of women reach the top ranks of politics, business, science and academia. Here's an excerpt from “Why Women Should Rule the World”

If we were in charge, things might actually change. Instead of posturing, we’d have cooperation. (This involves catty bickering and hair pulling) Instead of gridlock, we’d have progress. (Progress? Not unless spending millions of tax dollars inventing panty hose that do NOT roll down at the waist when you sit down? Now that would be progress.)Instead of a shouting match, we’d have a conversation. A very long conversation. But a conversation nonetheless. (There would not be enough time in the day) Everyone would just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.”(Kumbaya? Fuck kumbaya! The world would blow up with all the constant bitching of unimportant issues. The dirty looks alone would bring Osama out of hiding begging to be put out of his misery. Water boarding? Hell…that would be changed to locking a prisoner in a room with Rosie O’Donnell or Rosanne Barr for an hour. I am a woman and I am the first one to admit that women ruling the world would not be a good thing…..ever.) I mean HELLOOOO?? look at Hillary Clinton! Enough said....

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LOCK YOUR DOORS AND GET A DOG!

2008-02-06T22:07:00.004-05:00

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

IMMEDIATELY WE MUST GET TOGETHER A HUNTING PARTY TO ROUND THEM ALL UP. BETTER YET SOMEONE ONE CALL TED NUGGENT IN, FOR IF ANYONE CAN ERADICATE THIS IMPISH CREATURE IS THE BIG GUN TOTING BAD ASS ROCKER HIMSELF! WARNING!!! DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES. please click the link to give me a point http://humor-blogs.com/

BAN THIS!

2008-01-26T18:24:00.003-05:00

ST. LOUIS COUNCILMAN RICHARD VEIT DECIDED HE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BILL PASSED TO BAN SWEARING IN PUBLIC BARS, ALONG WITH PROFANE MUSIC, DRINKING CONTESTS AND TABLE DANCING…
COME ON NOW DICK, DON’T BE SUCH A DICK! DICK THINKS THE DOWNTOWN AREA CAN SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE "LIVELY".
APPARENTLY BRINGING BACK COMMUNISM IS A PRIORITY FOR LITTLE DICK.

PASSING A BILL TO ENFORCE "BANS" IN OUR BARS...OUR PLACE OF MERRIMENT?? WHY ON EARTH DO YOU THINK BARS WERE INVENTED TO BEGIN WITH!? TO WIND DOWN FROM THE SOMETIMES STRESSFUL WORK WEEK.TO GET AWAY FROM "THE MAN" TO TAKE OFF THAT SUIT AND TIE OR KICK OFF THOSE HEELS AND VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PANTYHOSE AND ENJOY OURSELVES IN THE COMPANY OF FRIENDS.
TO ACT SILLY ONCE IN A WHILE, AS LONG AS NO ONE GETS HURT, FUN IS HAD FOR ALL.

DON'T GET ME WRONG HERE, I'M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD ALL WALK AROUND IN PUBLIC ESTABLISHMENTS SAYING F THIS AND F THAT, WE ALL SHOULD KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO CENSOR OURSELVES, IT'S CALLED OUR "CONSCIOUS" AND THAT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY NOT THE GOVERNMENTS!

IF THE ATMOSPHERE OF A BAR IS NOT FOR YOU, WELL THEN BY ALL MEANS YOU HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO GO TO ONE. SO, IF YOU WANT TO BE A BIG DICK AND FEEL THE NEED TO BAN SWEARING AT BARS, OF ALL PLACES, THEN MOVE TO CHINA WHERE THE GOVERNMENT PICKS WHAT YOU LISTEN TOO.
DON'T BRING COMMUNISM TO AMERICA! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY!...LAND OF THE FREE! AND IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GET BACK TO THE BASICS AND KEEP THE GOVERNMENT IN IT'S PLACE! please click on the link to give me a point!
http://humor-blogs.com/

MADE IN AMERICA?

2008-01-14T22:49:00.003-05:00

TELL ME, HAVE YOU BEEN IN THIS SITUATION BEFORE. IT’S 9: AM AND IT’S THE END OF THE MONTH AND YOU HAVE ALL KINDS OF IMPORTANT REPORTS DUE NOW, NOT LATER…BUT NOW AND ALL OF A SUDDEN A VITAL PIECE OF THIS PROCESS FAILS TO WORK PROPERLY. NO, IT’S NOT “USER ERROR”(AT LEAST NOT 99% OF THE TIME, BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN AND AS YOU ALL KNOW WOMEN ARE PERFECT) IT’S MACHINE OR SOFTWARE FAILURE, AND IN A BIG WAY, BECAUSE WHEN IT GOES IT GOES BIG AND USUALLY IT’S WHEN YOU NEED IT THE MOST.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE YOU CALL “TECH SUPPORT” FOR THE SOFTWARE OR EQUIPMENT THAT HAS FAILED YOU EVER SO MUCH, AND, “CUSTOMER SERVICE” HAS RE- ROUTED YOU TO A FAR OFF COUNTRY THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR OWN, TO A PERSON THAT BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH AND USUALLY HAS AN ATTITUDE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THEM.

I HAVE SAID IT ONCE BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN…”YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!?” NOW I REALIZE THAT AMERICAN COMPANIES NEED TO REDUCE PRODUCTION COSTS AND MAKE AS MUCH PROFIT AS THEY CAN TO SURVIVE. BUT WHEN THEY OUT SOURCE THEIR “CUSTOMER SERVICE” TO BANGLADESH JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN PAY THEM IN CAMELS OR BAGS OF RICE…WELL IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT, NOT RIGHT AT ALL, AND FRANKLY QUITE UN AMERICAN.

THE LAST THING I WANT IS FOR SOME JACK ASS WITH AN ATTITUDE AND A THICK ACCENT TELLING ME TO HOLD ON WHILE THEY TRANSFER ME TO 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE ONLY TO START MY WHOLE SHHHPEAL OVER OF WHY I AM CALLING…5 FREAKIN TIMES. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT'S SACRED IN THE WORLD(DOUBLE STUFF OREOS AND TAX REFUNDS), GET ME SOMEONE THAT SPEAKS ENGLISH AND KNOWS A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING PRODUCT THEY ARE REPRESENTING!
I MEAN NOTHING PISSES ME OFF MORE THAN HAVING TO SPEAK SLOOOOWLY OVER AND OVER TO SOME CLUELESS FOREIGNER THAT CANNOT HELP MY SITUATION WHAT SO EVER.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES WE HAVE MADE IN THIS COUNTRY IS CLOSING DOWN AMERICAN FACTORIES. WE HAVE NOW BECOME PRETTY MUCH DEPENDENT ON OTHER COUNTRIES FOR MANY PRODUCTS, RESOURCES AND SERVICES.
TO FIND SOMETHING THAT SAY’S “MADE IN AMERICA IS RARE. TELL ME PEOPLE, IS THAT SMART?? ARE WE SAVING MONEY OR ARE WE EMPOWERING OTHER COUNTRIES?
DON’T GET ME WRONG HERE JAPANESE SURE CAN MAKE A GOOD CAR AND CHINA…WELL CHINA IS GOOD WITH EVERYTHING THAT INCLUDES LEAD…WHICH IS EVERYTHING.
GET WITH IT AMERICA! BRING BACK THE GOOD OLD AMERICAN FACTORY WITH HARD WORKING PEOPLE WHO TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR JOB AND PAY THEM GOOD, PAY THEM WHAT THEY DESERVE.
GIVE THEM GOOD BENEFITS AND TREAT THEM RIGHT AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL HAVE A BETTER PRODUCT WITH BETTER SERVICE AND UNDYING LOYALTY. THE GOOD OLD AMERICAN WAY.
please be a nice american and click on the link to give me a point! http://humor-blogs.com/

ANOTHER RANDOM ACT OF "IDIOCY"

2008-01-04T13:23:00.005-05:00

SEEMS LIKE FREE SPEECH IS SOON TO BE A THING OF THE PAST. APPARENTLY THE FUTURE PORTRAYED IN THE MOVIE “DEMOLITION MAN” COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN IF WE CONTINUE DOWN THIS IDIOTIC PATH OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW THE PART IN THE MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE RECEIVED CITATIONS EVERY TIME THEY FUCKING SWORE? WELL LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU… HERE IN MY WONDERFUL CITY, A POLICE OFFICER WAS TRANSPORTING AN UNRULY CRIMINAL BASTARD, I MEAN… “SUSPECT” WHO THOUGHT THAT HAWKING LOOGIES ON THE BACK OF THE POLICE OFFICERS NECK ON HIS WAY TO JAIL WAS A COOL THING TO DO.
SO THE OFFICER SHOWED MUCH RESTRAINT UNLIKE I WOULD HAVE, AND PULLED THE POLICE CAR OVER.
HE THEN DECIDED TO CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE TO COME AND TRANSPORT THE SPIT PRODUCING BOTARD IN THE BACK SEAT TO WHERE HIS SIMPLE ASS BELONGS.

I MEAN SALIVA CAN CONTAIN NASTY LITTLE DISEASES THAT YOU WOULD NOT LIKE INVADING YOUR BLOODSTREAM VIA ORIFICES SUCH AS OPEN PORES OR SCRATCHES ETC. HAVE YOU SEEN AN EPISODE OF CSI OR HOUSE??

ANYWAY, SO THE OFFICER GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND WALKS UP TO THE ARRIVING EMT AND MAKES AN IRRITATED COMMENT ABOUT HIS LOVELY “PASSENGER” HIS COMMENT WAS SOMETHING LIKE “GET THIS DOUCHE BAG OUT OF HERE SO HE STOPS SPITTING ALL OVER ME”.
NOW MIND YOU THE JACKASS WAS STILL IN THE BACK OF THE SQUAD CAR UNABLE TO HEAR THE DESERVING COMMENT MADE.
FOR SOME REASON UNKNOWN TO THE NORMAL SANE MAN, THE EMT DECIDED HE WOULD INCLUDE THE OFFICER’S COMMENT ON THE PERSON’S PATIENT PROCESSING REPORT, WHICH BY THE WAY IS CONFIDENTIAL DUE TO HIPPA RULES.

WELL IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE READING THE REPORT DID NOT LIKE THE COMMENT RECORDED BY JACKASS #2 (THE EMT) AND DECIDED TO CALL OUR CITY’S POLICE CHIEF AND MAKE A FORMAL COMPLAINT.
THE POLICE OFFICER IS NOW FACING A POSSIBLE 3 DAY SUSPENSION WITHOUT PAY FOR HIS COMMENT, YES PEOPLE, HIS FUCKING COMMENT… (THE ONE MADE NOWHERE NEAR THE EARS OF SAID CRIMINAL.)

FIRST OF ALL LET ME GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, THERE IS A REASON WHY WE ALL ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR POLICE WORK, BECAUSE PERSONALLY IF IT WAS ME IN THIS SITUATION, I WOULD HAVE TAZERED HIM THE VERY FIRST TIME A “LOOGY” LANDED ON ANY PART OF MY EPIDERMIS. HIS SALIVA WOULD BE COMING OUT ALL RIGHT; ALL DOWN HIS NOW PARALYSED CONVULSING CHIN.
I WOULD ALSO THROW IN A SMALL BATON BEATING WHILE I’M AT IT. COME ON PEOPLE…WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END??! STOP WASTING TIME WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS, I MEAN WHAT IS MORE IDIOTIC THAN TAKING A PERFECTLY GOOD POLICE OFFICER OFF THE STREET AND WASTING TIME, MONEY AND PAPERWORK TO PUNISH HIM FOR SOMETHING HE SAID IN PRIVATE TO SOMEONE??
TAKE THAT MONEY AND ENERGY AND PUT IT TO SOMETHING THAT FUCKING MATTERS IN LIFE…LIKE PAYING OUR COPS A BETTER SALARY FOR PUTTING UP WITH RAVING PSYCHO SPITTING FREAKS!! please click on the link to give me a point! http://humor-blogs.com/

SANTA FATTY?

2007-12-20T09:06:00.003-05:00

OUR SURGEON GENERAL SAYS SANTA IS TOO FAT! HE WOULD LIKE TO START A CAMPAIGN TO CHANGE THE IMAGE OF OUR BELOVED SANTA.

WELL I THINK I HAVE HEARD IT ALL NOW, AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS….WOW! I THINK I WILL START A CAMPAIGN MYSELF, IT WILL BE TO ABOLISH POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS.

OK LISTEN TO THIS, HERE IS WHAT THE SURGEON GENERAL IS SPENDING HIS TIME ON LATELY, HE BELIEVES SANTA IS A BAD ROLE MODEL FOR OUR CHILDREN, TEACHING OUR CHILDREN IT’S OK TO BE OBESE. SINCE WHEN IS SANTA SUPPOSED TO BE A ROLE MODEL? WILL THE LIBERALS, AGNOSTICS AND HATE MONGERS EVER STOP?
WILL THEY NOT REST UNTIL EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR IS DEEMED POLITICALLY INCORRECT AND UNACCEPTABLE?! IT’S BAD ENOUGH THEY HAVE TAKEN GOD OUT OF OUR SCHOOLS AND OUR CHRISTMAS TREES OUT OF OUR PUBLIC BUILDINGS AND SO FORTH.
GOD YES GOD FORBID ANYONE PUT A FREAKING NATIVITY SET ON DISPLAY. SOME SILLY JACKASS WILL CALL TO COMPLAIN.
WHY CAN’T WE PUT LITTLE BABY JESUS IN A MANGER ANYMORE? WHY?? BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY LIBERAL BITCHES SITTING HOME THINKING OF WAYS TO PUT THEIR NOSES IN OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS!

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE (CUZ THEY DON’T WANT ME TO SAY JESUS OR GOD) FIND ANOTHER HOBBY! OR MOVE TO A SOCIETY WHERE THERE IS NO FREEDOM AND BE DONE WITH IT. TO EVEN THINK OF CHANGING THE IMAGE OF OUR JOLLY RED CHEEKED SANTA TO A THIN MISERABLE SANTA CHOMPING ON CELERY INSTEAD OF HOMEMADE COOKIES, IS SICK AND TWISTED AND YOU SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

I CAN SEE IT NOW, COME ON KIDS LETS PUT OUT A SLIMFAST SHAKE AND OATBRAN BAR FOR SANTA. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! I THINK IT’S TIME WE TELL THE LIBERALS TO SHOVE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS UP THEIR STIFF ASSES AND LET THE CHILDREN HAVE THEIR FAT JOLLY SANTA FOR CHRIST SAKES!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! BE MERRY AND CLICK ON THE LINK TO GIVE ME A POINT! http://humor-blogs.com/

DESPERATELY SEEKING WARMTH

2007-12-10T22:23:00.003-05:00

OK folks here is another example of IDIOCY, besides being liberal freak jobs, did you know there are also daring adventures that will go to the end of the earth, literally to get the proof of global warming they are so desperate for? A couple of weeks ago, the media brought us a small but dramatic story of a “cruise boat” that sank in the Antarctica.
Wait a minute, I’m confused here, is there anyone in the world that would think a pleasure destination for a cruise would be Antarctica? Hmmm, somehow freezing my yabos off does not appeal to me, nor does a slow icy death.
Oh and don’t forget the polar bears gnawing on your frozen ass of an entree.

Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing that destination at the AAA office among the travel brochures. Who on earth could possibly woo anyone with a sane mind to invest and “cruise” on up to a slush filled death trap?
You have got to be kidding me! What the media conveniently failed to mention was that these fruit cakes were on a “global Eco tour” to the Antarctica, in search of proof of global warming.
Well it seems during their trek into the frigid north they bumped into an iceberg, could u believe that!? An iceberg in Antarctica! Imagine that! I wonder how much fuel was needed for that “cruise” and on its way down to the icy bottom of the ocean, how much oil spewed out into the other wise untouched and unharmed Eco system?

Oh…I don’t know, only over forty thousand gallons! How many poor sweet baby seals were choked to death with oil? I think the only proof they took home was frostbitten asses and the fact that they are a bunch of simple bastards.

One more little detail left out was that this bright idea was that of a man who happens to be good friends with no other than our global warming idol… Al Gore. Yes, Al Gore the one that stays up all night in his mega electricity sucking mansion losing sleep over our doomed planet, “our planet in peril”.
Hey I’ve got a proposition for the wealthy liberals out there, next time you want to waste money and resources, throw it my way, mama needs a new fur coat to go with my sweet Yukon Denali. click on the link to give me a point! please! http://humor-blogs.com/

THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLE DAYS

2007-11-20T09:59:00.006-05:00

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT HEARS FROM THEIR KIDS THIS LITTLE GEM?
“I’M BORED” WAIT A MIN HERE, YOUR WHAT!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH OUR CHILDREN TODAY!?

I KNOW, I KNOW THAT COULD TAKE A LONG TIME TO ANSWER, BUT REALLY I CAN’T BE THE ONLY PERSON THAT AS A CHILD WAS ENTERTAINED FOR HOURS WITH SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS AN EMPTY CARDBOARD REFRIGERATOR BOX.
WHAT HAPPENED TO A LITTLE THING CALLED…IMAGINATION? YOU KNOW, MR. ROGERS TAUGHT US THE MAGICAL WORLD OF MAKE BELIEVE…AND HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOES! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WE COULD STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY ALL DAY WITH NOTHING BUT OUR IMAGINATION!

OK LET’S THINK BACK HERE, NOT TOO FAR BACK, I’M NOT THAT OLD…YET. OK PICTURE THIS, OUTSIDE WITH ALL THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS, EACH OF YOU ARE PLAYING THE ROLE OF YOUR FAVORITE SUPER HERO OR VILLAIN.
MAKING CAPES OUT OF TOWELS AND WEAPONS OUT OF WHATEVER LOOKS GOOD. SPENDING ALL DAY ON IMPORTANT MISSIONS, ONLY STOPPING LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A PISS OR GRAB A SANDWICH, OR DEBATE ON WHO BRAVELY ASKS THEIR PARENTS FOR ENOUGH MONEY TO GO TO THE CORNER STORE TO GET CANDY FOR ALL OF YOU TO FIGHT OVER.

YES, THOSE WERE THE DAYS! NOW WE HAVE OUR KIDS IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER, OR ON THE PHONE COMPLAINING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT HOW BORED THEY ARE.
NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG HERE, I KNOW THE WORLD HAS BECOME UNSAFE TO WANDER AROUND THE WAY WE DID. NOW YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A PEDOPHILE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD THAT YOU CANNOT HARASS, DO TO “THEIR RIGHTS” IF IT WAS UP TO ME I WOULD SHOVE “THEIR RIGHTS” UP THEIR ASS AND THEN PROCEED TO LINE THEM UP FOR A LITTLE PUBLIC STONING, A LITTLE PROCESS I BELIEVE SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK.

ANYWAY, THE POINT HERE IS, HAVE WE FAILED IN TEACHING OUR KIDS THE ART OF IMAGINATION? OR IS IT BECAUSE THERE ARE TOO MANY “GADGETS” AND TOYS OF TECHNOLOGY THAT EASILY ENTERTAINS THEM?

EITHER WAY, I THINK THOSE OF US WHO WERE LUCKY ENOUGH TO GROW UP IN THE WORLD OF MAKE BELIEVE SHOULD TAKE SOME TIME OUT OF OUR BUSY DAYS AND REMEMBER THOSE FUN TIMES. SHARE SOME STORIES WITH YOUR KIDS, EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL LAUGH AT YOU OR ROLL THEIR EYES. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS. “STAY GOLD PONYBOY, STAY GOLD” please click the link to give me a point!

IDIOT FINES

2007-11-12T20:55:00.002-05:00

First off let me say that if you are a very serious person who finds it hard to laugh, then this will not be the blog for you. Lately one of the topics in the news is our deficit problem along with border security down to our social security.

Well I think I have solved our problems! I believe if we implement this idea we could create a cash flow like no other!
Let me introduce you to the "Idiot" fines program. With all the public displays of random idiot acts, if fined could make our country billions! It's simple, we impose a fine of $1.00 to each person that displays an act of public idiocy.
The money is collected and every month a different group of ten volunteers will vote as to where that months total revenue will be applied. Whether it be put towards a nice big wall on our borders or to take care of our veterans needs, whatever is needed.

Now for some examples of public idiocy. If you feel the need to waste professionals time and sue a dry cleaners millions because they lost your pants, well you are an idiot and should be fined.
If you feel that serving your community is creating a committee that goes around and inspects neighborhood outdoor Christmas decorations....then you should be beatened, along with fined...well at least fined, corporal punishment would be another topic.
For our last example of public idiocy, if you feel the need to sit your fat ass down on an airplane toilet seat and reach behind and flush....well then your an idiot, and an even bigger idiot if you sue the airline claiming it's their fault your an idiot. It's not their fault you vacuum sealed your ass to the seat and sucked your cheeks into the very depths of the waste system.
It is not their fault your ass is scared for life, it is however your fault for scaring the people that had to remove pieces of your ass from the toilet waste area.

As for the courts that allowed the case to be heard, they should be fined as well, along with any media that spends more than 30 seconds on the story. No one is exempt from the "idiot" fine, schools, politicians, churches all shall be held accountable!
From the politicians alone we could raise billions! So there it is folks, a simple way to raise our country money. please click the link to give me a point :) http://humor-blogs.com/