Proof of the devil

I was scrolling through the national geographic news and came across this disturbing image that will no doubt haunt my dreams tonight. Lets start with the facial area shall we? Now I am not one to be rude or point out obvious malfunctions, but what the frick kind of nose is that? to what scientific biological purpose would it serve to have a honker like that?....literally
While we are in the vicinity please for the love of the animal kingdom, why is this evil spawn smiling?! Is it me or is it seriously smiling? All I can think of is he is saying to himself..."yeah keep looking at me with amazement....gaze into my eyes while I suck out your soul. watch as I flutter my large tooting nostrils...hypnotizing you with each flap..... I will rule the world soon and you will all bow to me".
And wait.... are those horns?! ok maybe they are ears....but they resemble the horns of a certain you know who that lives in a place I will certainly not be going some day.... cuz I am sweet and innocent of course, anyhoo I am convinced this is an actual real life minion from the bowels of hell. I hate national geographic for making me look at this thing, which of course is why I had to share it all with you. I'm not going to be the only one double checking under my bed and in my closet tonight. toodles

If you live in Arkansas....you might want to move

So, the new year brings more than sure to be neglected resolutions for Arkansas. The people of Arkansas woke up to dead fish and dead birds, in the thousands. I'm sorry does anyone else but me find that a bit on the odd side? So the explanation so far is lightning or fireworks. I have a problem with that and here it is.....why would lightning or fireworks be selective in it's damnation? You see only one species of bird and one species of fish were killed. So the lightning randomly selected only blackbirds to fall dead from the sky, and of all the fish in the river, only one kind go belly up?
I am not sure what kind of shenanigans or goings on there in Arkansas to bring about such apocalyptic sings, but I am damn sure I wouldn't stick around to find out. For the love of chicken little, someone do something! I mean whats next, waking up to dead frogs or squirrels littering the neighborhoods? Seriously, I don't care what the scientists or biologists say about this...... it can't be good. And for the people in Arkansas, good luck with that........

You spin me right round baby

I heard they are remaking yet another popular eighties show, Wonder Woman! And since it's been a sufficient amount of time that has lapsed since my "incident", I can share with you why I feel I deserve said role. After all I can safely say my friends have known me long enough and have plenty to laugh at without making me feel dumb about a stupid little childhood incident.....right?
It's 1982 and I seriously think all the cool shows like the Hulk, wonder woman, and the Justice league were more fun than playing outside. Yes i said that....why? because back then kids actually played outside....all day. Our imagination was in abundance, and never did we say we were 'bored'. Those were the days, and being a twin made it even better. I mean how convenient it was to have a partner in crime! One of our favorite things to do was dress up and run around as our favorite super hero, and yes we did play the role of the "Wonder twins" but I hated always getting stuck having to be the one that turned into a bucket of water.
My most favorite role was Wonder Woman. With her cool gold cuffs and boots, and don't forget her lasso! Now granted I could not replicate her massive breasts....although I'm not gonna lie....I did try. Nothing could express my pure excitement in my soul when Fruit of the Loom came out with "underroos". Seriously I thought I was actually Wonder woman when I had them on, complete with a red bath towel draped on my back...worn proudly. The only time it was ok to run around like a freak in your underwear.
One day I took my role to a place I never thought possible and it's only now I can truly laugh about it, because when it happened it was serious business and not funny......at all. So, remember how wonder woman would throw her arms out and twirl flawlessly until her clothes whipped off so fast it was missed by the naked eye?Then as she slowed down, not only was her hair perfectly coiffed but complete with a crown. Then donned in her cool costume she would fight crime, I mean what was cooler than that!? Well I would practice this unobtainable twirl over and over and the mere fact that I did not have lasting brain damage is a miracle. I would twirl everywhere, over and over praying that my shear might would whip my clothes off and be replaced with gold shorts and bullet proof bust. I took this madness to the shower one day and sadly it was not successful like I hoped. I am not sure what possessed me to begin the flailing...I mean twirling in a cool fashion, but I soon realized the shower was not the place for super heroness to happen. As I twirled, my wet arms began to gather the shower curtain and all of a sudden I was entwined in a plastic cocoon, totally hindering the process of me becoming wonder woman. Before I could stop, I began to fall, viciously ripping the curtain down with me. As if the sure beating I would receive by my mother was enough punishment, the bathroom door that once concealed my secret attempt at heroness, was whipped open by my mother. This of course was topped off by my brother and his friend standing there to witness me on the floor wrapped up like a burrito. For the love of Lynda Carter, if I could only have Superman's heat lazer eyes to disintegrate them to prevent further blackmail attempts!
Well I am pretty sure I let down Lynda Carter that day, along with Every little girl in the world...at least that's how I felt. My mother was actually not as pissed as I would expect, due to the fact I gave her something to laugh at for a few days.

For the love of Downy, why does dirty laundry multiply like rabbits on crack?! I have an idea why don't we send all our dirty laundry to the criminals in jail to do for us? I mean really all they do is play basketball and work out. Shouldn't they NOT be doing something fun? I say all the people out there with dirty laundry piling up rally for the prisoners to stop making license plates and do our laundry. I mean wash and properly fold and separate into proper little piles of washed fluffy goodness. Then on the way home from work we can all drive up to a little convenient window and pick up said laundry bundles.

Important rules every male cyclist should know

1. Do not under any circumstances wear spandex….ever. I’m serious, there is not a woman alive that wants to see you in that, EVER…….please for the love of sight, keep that for home use only.

2. Please wear pants that cover your ENTIRE ass not just the bottom part, but the top crack part as well. No one wants to see a hairy A- hole on their way to work, and it can’t possibly be comfortable.

3. If you insist on riding with traffic, then do not get in the way, after all you are worth at least 20 points. God help you if you get in the way of someone frantically trying to get home to the toilet, turtleing will only improve your chances of getting hit or run off the road.

4. Make sure every part you have a current use for, is secured appropriately, important objects are known to get stuck in the spokes of the wheels. Also, important appendages do not fare well when you run over a pot hole. According to my brother it hurts when a nut randomly gets free and is unintentionally sat on.

5. If you insist on all the fancy gadgets and latest trends for your bike, then make sure they do not hamper the functions of the bike. We all will laugh watching you wobble uncontrollably as you are furiously trying to set your pedometer or fan speed.

6. Last but not least, DO continue to think you are cool by riding your bike without utilizing your arms and hands. Leaning back with your arms to the side displaying your apparent Godly skills, can only lead to tears, tears of laughter for all of us driving along innocently. We know the chances of you hitting a pothole or the handlebars suddenly jerking to one side, are greatly in our favor and everyone can use a good laugh or two.

It's family time God Dammit!

Ummmm....just a little tip I thought I would pass on. Be careful of your movie selection for your family's movie night. I have been working hard and going back to school and I have a few days off, so I thought it would be great for our family to bond and have a movie night. Much cheaper than going out, anyway I told my husband to bring home the movie, The Knowing. I said, "oh I think that was the movie that had a cool trailer, that should be good, get that one" So we all sat down and of course my 2 girls had to start fighting....again, so I screamed "we are going to have a family night God dammit, now sit down!" Well, we sat down to a movie of death and the destruction of all human kind......
enough said
and wow

Lock your doors and get a dog!

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

You're fired!

MADISON, Wis. - A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. The Madison-based health care provider announced Wednesday that it planned to "immediately" lay off 90 employees. I am pretty sure that whoever read this memo first should have not take “immediately” too literal.

Here is my list for the reasons for NOT doing this sort thing.
1. When the nurse goes back to surgery, I don’t think her mindset will be in the favor of the patient……at all.
2. Due to her blinding well deserved pissed offness, she might not notice that she clamped the wrong vein, which will then lead to the patient’s blood loss related death.
3. The surgery room will be filled with complete uncomfortable silence. I know I would be too scared to say anything to her, especially “pass the scalpel”
4. Surgery rooms are usually equipped with sharp implements of death.
5. When pissed off, women usually throw objects……
6. I believe everyone else in the room might experience an uncomfortable feeling of impending job loss. Which will then lead to an “I don’t give a shit attitude” and surely several items of a non biological nature will be conveniently left in the poor bastard’s body.
7. Nurses usually know important people like anesthesiologists; you might wake up one morning in your bed, missing an important body part, or now have extra one. Like perhaps a boob in the middle of your forehead….think about that possible consequence for a minute.
8. Someday that same nurse might be “assisting” a surgery on you and a chuckle and an “opps” is NOT something you want to hear as the mask goes over your face

Super Penis to the rescue!

My husband and I went to the movies this weekend and saw “watchmen” and I quickly decided the title of the movie should have been “Dr. Blue penis” instead. At first I quite admired the blue man (Dr. Manhattan) and his wonderfully chiseled blue body. Clearly that body was computer generated right down the blue swinging penis. Now I must admit, I was visually mesmerized by this blatant attempt to confuse the female audience. You couldn't’t help but stare at its blue glowing aura and I was ashamed of myself for doing so. Was this some kind of ploy to get women to enjoy superhero movies? Seriously they could have put a cape on it and it would have been able to save the world from complete annihilation on its own. Come to think about it, I didn't notice if he had a set of blue balls as well??? Crap, I'll have to rent it when it comes out. Warning though, this is definitely not the super hero movie you should take your children to! “Mommy, how come the blue superman is showing his pahdinger like that? Next your little boys are going to be running around the neighborhood with nothing but a cape on! I give this movie 4 penis’s up, up up and away!
For much needed points please click here

Keep your Arse shut!

WACO, Texas - A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend (I would have to say…he doesn’t sound like a good friend), police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night (hmmm??? 5 men sharing 1 room? That’s scary on its own), and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence(ASS ATTACK) problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest. (Which I’m sure caused the man to then SHIT in his pants).Ok, yes we have all wanted to cause harm to the person with excessive noxious ass gas, but to actually stab the person?! LOL! From now on the poor guy’s ass is going to pucker and tremor with even the very thought of farting again. I believe the term would have to be “ass shocked” instead of “shell shocked”. Then he will bloat into a walking gas bomb teetering on the verge of mass explosion that would rock 10 city blocks. What’s he going to do when he has to fart again? For the man that stabbed the guy….does he not fart? Could he not of opened the window or stepped outside? What on earth would make him think stabbing the guy would be a wise choice? I think a good chop block to the nose would have been better, or maybe a jolt from a stun gun. Either way, I thank both men for providing me with a good damn laugh.
For much needed points please click here

I'm sorry... what's in my hair?

You know what's great? After a hard day of work, to come home to, clean house, cook, take care of sick kid, listen to teenager's drama, finally crawl into sick kids bed after 4 loads of never ending laundry to rock her to sleep as she coughs and hacks on my face and life, to lean back against her bunk bed rail only to get my hair stuck in some slimy clay like substance.... I mean really?
After attempting to sneak away from sick infested child, my head yanks back like my brother pulling at my pigtails as a child! All I can do was yelp helplessly for some form of assistance.
My lovely teenager slowly responds and turns light on to reveal the horror. A clump of my very curly already knotted hair with some foreign substance unknown to mankind. Clearly from the looks of it only scissors or fire would remove such a thing.
After calming down I quietly ask in a low tremor, "what the frick loving christ is in my hair?! and get it OUT NOW" After both kids laughing hysterically, (obviously I haven't beaten them enough), I decide to yank my head free and run into bathroom to survey the damage. With it being so late, I couldn't call in reinforcements (my best friend, or any other woman). So I opted for crying and rubbing olive oil in hair furiously till substance came out in little gooey chunks......thanks brat.....LOL wow and to think it isn't even mother's day yet....
For much needed points please click here

I'm sorry, you have to remove my what??!!

Ok please tell me why men can go their whole lives without the fear of having to have something removed or lopped off of their very being? I would like to keep everything I was born with…with the exception of the umbilical cord, that could get in the way and cause unwanted walking distractions.
Although I should not have this desire to tell strangers my personal endeavors, but I feel that some things should be dealt with laughter in order to help deal with the trauma. I recently found out that I need to have a partial hysterectomy. Yes my uterus will be ripped out and prolly sold in the underground market as a large ashtray or conversational table centerpiece.
What do they do with such rejected body parts? Actually I don’t want to know. As long as they take out the correct part I’ll be ok. You hear of horror stories, surgeons removing the wrong leg, or perhaps the wrong boob. I mean how does one apologize for something like that? “Ummmm, I sort of lopped off the wrong leg, but pathology is digging for it and hopefully we can get that right back on you. Not sure if it will be functionable but hey look on the bright side, I won’t charge you for it.” So off to the hospital I go next Tuesday, I’m thinking of writing in a big red sharpie a note for the surgeon on my tummy. “Just the uterus…..please”
For much needed points please click here

Would this be a good idea?

Ok do we really think it’s a good idea

to put this..…I mean him in the senate?

Things that make you go hmmm?

Alright everyone, another segment on: “things that make you go hmmm???” Last night I was in bed, the heat just kicked on, outside its cold and snowy. I said to myself as I pulled my blanket and snuggle bunnied up, “ahhhhh all snug as a bug in a rug” I stopped to realize that, 1. I really need to stop talking to myself. 2. Where the frick do these sayings come from? 3. They make no damn sense at all. 4. Where are my socks, my damn feet are cold!
So as I lie there with cold feet of course, I think of all the stupid sayings out there that we all are guilty of using.
· “Snug as a bug in a rug”- first of all bugs should be DEAD, not all snug in a rug. Who’s the ass that knelt down one day and saw a bug on a rug and said “awww a cute little bug all snug in a rug” That person should have done nothing but step on that bug or flick it hard against the wall insuring it’s deserved death….sick bastard.

· “Cold as hell”- hmmmmmm, let me think about this a bit. I am far from a geologist (NERD) and all but wouldn’t HELL be hot? The whole purpose of HELL and damnation is the hot flaming part. When I get there I will make sure to assess the surroundings and let everyone know for sure.
· “Dead as a door nail”- I am just confused about this one all together and have nothing to say about it.

· “Easy as pie”- I can say from experience that pies are not easy. As a matter of fact I believe there are still petrified flour chunks on my kitchen ceiling from the last time I attempted to bake a pie.

· “Cute as a button”- I have never come across a button that was deemed “cute”. Cute to me is, a yittle fluffy kitty, a yittle baby newborn (although I have seen some ugly babies before), or perhaps even the ass of your local UPS guy. All can easily fall in the category of “cute” But a button??? Obviously a long time ago someone said something like, “oh God she is butt ugly”. Upon re-telling the story to someone else, the person felt the need to be nice and say “oh she was as cute as a butt…button, yes that’s it” Please feel free to add some of the dumb sayings you know!

To vote or not to vote.......

Well today is the day we vote for either a fascist or an old ass decrepit man. Good luck to us all.........

Hey, I've got a "stimulus" package for wall street!

I bet this is one stimulus package every American can afford

Put your hands up and step away from the Knitting Needles!

BLUE ASH (Isn’t that the popular shade of hair color over the age of 70?), Ohio - An 89-year-old Ohio woman faces a charge of petty theft because neighborhood children say she refused to give back their football.
Edna Jester was placed under arrest last week and taken to the police station in the Cincinnati suburb of Blue Ash. Police say there had been an ongoing dispute over the errant football and a child's father called to report that Jester kept the ball after it landed in her yard.
Blue Ash Police Capt. James Schaffer says police warned Jester twice and finally arrested her after she refused to accept a citation. She must appear in mayor's court next month.
What the fuck has this world come to that we feel the need to ARREST an 89 yr old lady for not giving back a ball that was thrown into her yard?!

Who the hell do we have to call to make aware of this beyond fucked up situation?! First of all, I’m sure they conveniently forgot to mention the ball was thrown into her yard, no doubt landing on her rose bushes over and over again.

With each time some damn bastard brat running all over her property to retrieve it…over and over again. For the love of Danny Marino! Personally if it were me, I would have marched down to Dick’s sporting goods and purchased 20 footballs. Then I would have marched down to the local high school and paid their star quarterback $20.00 bucks to launch them (very hard) at the kids as they trespass into my yard.

This is our hard earned money raped from us, for taxes to be used for BULLSHIT things like this! Are they actually taking the time in our judicial system to hear such a case?!

Dear Christ someone needs to point out this atrocity! Back in my day, if you were stupid enough to get caught in the yard of your neighbor (unless you are mowing their lawn for a bag of pennies and a stick of juicy fruit gum) then you reap the punishment.

Which was up to the neighbor AND on top of what your mother’s going to do you when you get home. If flowers were trampled…Hell you are on your own with that one. I think those officers should be down right ashamed of themselves for arresting an old lady for keeping something that was thrown into HER property! They should be lined up and beaten by old ladies and their handbags!

To keep all the old bag's out of jail, vote here

Proof of why we need to beat our children.

ASHEVILLE, N.C. - A 19-year-old Asheville teenager said she legally changed her name to CutoutDissection.com, to protest animal dissections in schools. The Asheville Citizen-Times reported that graduate Jennifer Thornburg now wants to be called “Cutout”. The teenager said she began opposing dissections in middle school, after a class assignment to dissect a chicken wing made her uncomfortable. Ok where should I start?…how about, are you friken kidding me here! For the love of Col. Sanders what is wrong with dissecting a chicken wing? I mean you can eat it when you’re done! Roll it in some hot sauce, dip it in blue cheese and be done with it! What is this girl’s malfunction? Obviously her parents did not beat her enough. The only thing this girl is accomplishing with her “statement” is that she is a brainless tree hugging, plants have feelings, no eating anything with a face, one square of toilet paper using, bean sprout sucking, twit. As a child, when you pick your nickname it should NOT involve words such as, “cut” or “dissection”. Your occasional “booger”, “dick”, “tiny’, “slappy” or “happy” are frequently used, but “CUT” that should be the first sign of insanity and your parents should beat you and sign you up for many hours of therapy. Now what does she pose the teachers use for dissection? A bunch of Mr. Potato heads? How about you shut up, suck it up and deal with it. And your grade for this quarter is an F…..ya big dummy! Wow…..It’s been a while since my last rant…sorry! To carve...I mean save the chickens....click here!

HELLO!

While I have some free time, I thought I would update all my humor blog buddies on my school endeavors! First of all for some reason, in college they feel the need to hand out large amounts of homework? Do they not know I have other things to do? I mean really, how selfish of them. I thought maybe my teacher’s would see that since I am in my thirties (ahhhhh!) that surely I would have the knowledge and experience, therefore should be excluded from such obscene amounts of homework. This apparently is not the case and my teacher’s were not amused with me pointing out such details. I also found out that I should give myself more time to walk 4 parking lots away from my building to bound up 4 flights of stairs and 3 hallways to class. For some reason I thought this would only take a minute or 2. Silly me. I also realized no matter what your age and what school you are in, there is always a plethora of people that ask STUPID questions that take up time and do nothing but irritate and piss off the teacher along with all surrounding people that possess half a brain. Well alrighty then, I promise next blog will induce laughter either at me or with me…either way is fine! Take care.

please have pity and give me a vote!

What the Fu!*k is this? And how is it possible?

Someone please tell me, perhaps my friends at “Nanny Goats in panties” can explain to me how this is physically possible? How on earth can a creature without opposable thumbs climb up those tiny branches? Another important question….WHY? Why do these cute yittle billy goats feel the need to trek up a tree? Is it the view or perhaps a longing to be a bird? Or could they possibly have had enough of this world and decided to climb to the highest limb and fling their bodies off to sure death. I bet it’s a guy thing….maybe the Billy goat that can climb the highest on a death defying small tree limb, gets all the chicks! For my last question…..how do they get down?
Help me out with a vote, or I’ll have to join the Billy goats…only my ass will fall halfway up the damn tree.