Tuesday, April 21, 2009

You're fired!

MADISON, Wis. - A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. The Madison-based health care provider announced Wednesday that it planned to "immediately" lay off 90 employees. I am pretty sure that whoever read this memo first should have not take “immediately” too literal.

Here is my list for the reasons for NOT doing this sort thing.
1. When the nurse goes back to surgery, I don’t think her mindset will be in the favor of the patient……at all.
2. Due to her blinding well deserved pissed offness, she might not notice that she clamped the wrong vein, which will then lead to the patient’s blood loss related death.
3. The surgery room will be filled with complete uncomfortable silence. I know I would be too scared to say anything to her, especially “pass the scalpel”
4. Surgery rooms are usually equipped with sharp implements of death.
5. When pissed off, women usually throw objects……
6. I believe everyone else in the room might experience an uncomfortable feeling of impending job loss. Which will then lead to an “I don’t give a shit attitude” and surely several items of a non biological nature will be conveniently left in the poor bastard’s body.
7. Nurses usually know important people like anesthesiologists; you might wake up one morning in your bed, missing an important body part, or now have extra one. Like perhaps a boob in the middle of your forehead….think about that possible consequence for a minute.
8. Someday that same nurse might be “assisting” a surgery on you and a chuckle and an “opps” is NOT something you want to hear as the mask goes over your face

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Super Penis to the rescue!

My husband and I went to the movies this weekend and saw “watchmen” and I quickly decided the title of the movie should have been “Dr. Blue penis” instead. At first I quite admired the blue man (Dr. Manhattan) and his wonderfully chiseled blue body. Clearly that body was computer generated right down the blue swinging penis. Now I must admit, I was visually mesmerized by this blatant attempt to confuse the female audience. You couldn't’t help but stare at its blue glowing aura and I was ashamed of myself for doing so. Was this some kind of ploy to get women to enjoy superhero movies? Seriously they could have put a cape on it and it would have been able to save the world from complete annihilation on its own. Come to think about it, I didn't notice if he had a set of blue balls as well??? Crap, I'll have to rent it when it comes out. Warning though, this is definitely not the super hero movie you should take your children to! “Mommy, how come the blue superman is showing his pahdinger like that? Next your little boys are going to be running around the neighborhood with nothing but a cape on! I give this movie 4 penis’s up, up up and away!
For much needed points please click here


Friday, April 10, 2009

Keep your Arse shut!

WACO, Texas - A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend (I would have to say…he doesn’t sound like a good friend), police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night (hmmm??? 5 men sharing 1 room? That’s scary on its own), and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence(ASS ATTACK) problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest. (Which I’m sure caused the man to then SHIT in his pants).Ok, yes we have all wanted to cause harm to the person with excessive noxious ass gas, but to actually stab the person?! LOL! From now on the poor guy’s ass is going to pucker and tremor with even the very thought of farting again. I believe the term would have to be “ass shocked” instead of “shell shocked”. Then he will bloat into a walking gas bomb teetering on the verge of mass explosion that would rock 10 city blocks. What’s he going to do when he has to fart again? For the man that stabbed the guy….does he not fart? Could he not of opened the window or stepped outside? What on earth would make him think stabbing the guy would be a wise choice? I think a good chop block to the nose would have been better, or maybe a jolt from a stun gun. Either way, I thank both men for providing me with a good damn laugh.
For much needed points please click here

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm sorry... what's in my hair?

You know what's great? After a hard day of work, to come home to, clean house, cook, take care of sick kid, listen to teenager's drama, finally crawl into sick kids bed after 4 loads of never ending laundry to rock her to sleep as she coughs and hacks on my face and life, to lean back against her bunk bed rail only to get my hair stuck in some slimy clay like substance.... I mean really?
After attempting to sneak away from sick infested child, my head yanks back like my brother pulling at my pigtails as a child! All I can do was yelp helplessly for some form of assistance.
My lovely teenager slowly responds and turns light on to reveal the horror. A clump of my very curly already knotted hair with some foreign substance unknown to mankind. Clearly from the looks of it only scissors or fire would remove such a thing.
After calming down I quietly ask in a low tremor, "what the frick loving christ is in my hair?! and get it OUT NOW" After both kids laughing hysterically, (obviously I haven't beaten them enough), I decide to yank my head free and run into bathroom to survey the damage. With it being so late, I couldn't call in reinforcements (my best friend, or any other woman). So I opted for crying and rubbing olive oil in hair furiously till substance came out in little gooey chunks......thanks brat.....LOL wow and to think it isn't even mother's day yet....
For much needed points please click here