Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Caution...show dogs

While driving home along the what seems to be a never-ending line of cars, I look up to the van in front of me and notice a large custom white sign that reads
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This of course perplexes me until I see another sign that is of the American flag with a dog’s face in it. Again I sit there confused yet verging on understanding why this brings irritation to me, then it hits me, this jackass wants us all to know he/she has show dogs in their van and is telling us loud and clear with his big sign to show CAUTION.
Hmmmmm let me see here, you want me to read the sign and take note that you have a show dog in your van? This will make me drive EXTRA careful of course as to not do anything to jeopardize your precious cargo? What exactly do you want me to do? What does "CAUTION" mean to you?
Do you want me to hang back and let you drive an uninterrupted path with your stupid fu fu dogs in the back munching on environmentally friendly “green” doggie biscuits so they are safe and unjostled? Or are you telling us all to have caution because show dogs suddenly have the tendency pop out of your trunk?
So, if we see a white poodle with pink dyed ears and a diamond collar flying through the air at our windshield we should show caution? I think they should specify the “caution” warning. Now I have seen signs/stickers that read “caution baby in the car” this of course I understand and take note to self as to not be a crazy rage road filled driver near that vehicle.
Now this person with the show dogs…obviously had to have the sign made for them…do to the fact there cannot possibly be another idiot that would think of such a thing. I really think the sign company should have made them another sign for free to go along with it. It would read
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Maybe I am the only girl that cannot comprehend why dog shows exist…..or idiots for that matter, I thought natural selection was supposed to take care of that?
Don’t get me wrong, I think dogs are cute and some puppers I just want to shove into my pocket so I can take it out when I want and smooch it on it’s cute wittle fuzzy face, but to parade hundreds of them around like little coiffed freaks to be inspected, poked and prodded by some lady dressed in a rhinestone shirt and skirt complete with a bee hive hairdo and attitude to match, I just don’t get it.
While channel surfing, I have actually seen a judge grab the nads of a rottweiler as if he was weighing them, measuring the girth of dog balls just doesn’t seem right…or safe. I’m not the smartest person in the world but I do know cupping the balls of a dog large enough to maul you to actual death…would not be a wise thing to do, although it would make for great entertainment for everyone else, (not the death part!)
Well I made it home without a hurdling poodle slamming into my windshield and a new found awareness of the serious business of show dogging.
click here to view some fancy show dogs!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Robot Lovin

A Japanese firm has produced a 15-inch tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command (unfortunately she cannot bake cookies or do your laundry), to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men. (Momma’s boys)

Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" puckers up for nearby human heads entering what designers call its "love mode". (Hmmm I wonder if she has the headache mode?)
"Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive"(minus PMS, she lacks the bitch mode, which reminds you she cannot possibly be real…in any way)
She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." (Does that mean she can make you feel guilty which will make you hand her a wad of money to go shoe shopping with her other robot girlfriends?”)
Other features for the new robot girlfriend are:
1. Can be programmed to bitch the minute you walk through the door…about something you have forgotten to do of course. (For real authenticity)

2. A 3-button option panel for breast size. A. Jennifer Anniston boobs B. Carmen Electra boobs C. Dolly Parton boobs (most popular size)

3. Mute button (most used button)

*Company is still working on teaching the robot to walk in heels

· Disclaimer- shut her completely off while you sleep….. While testing robot she contracted a virus that manipulated her motor functions. The company’s president appreciated being chosen to be the first momma’s boy…I mean “lonely guy”, to test the robot…however, did not appreciate waking up to see that all his furniture has been rearranged and the chocolate stash annihilated…not to mention new pink frilly curtains have appeared in his bathroom.
After yelling at his new “girlfriend” he had to return her for a modification, apparently she was no longer speaking to him.

For a free trial with robot girlfriend click here http://humor-blogs.com/

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Things NOT to do the first time mowing a lawn.

Things NOT to do the first time mowing a lawn.

1. Do NOT wear shorts- apparently small objects of pain like to shoot back in the direction of your legs at g-force.

2. Do NOT wear sneakers you care about- your favorite gym sneakers do not look cool with a bright green stain, mixed with the aroma of the gas you spilled all over them while trying to fill the mower’s gas tank.

3. Do NOT I repeat do NOT stop to wave furiously at your child that is jumping on the trampoline- the mower does not care how cute you think you are being and will take your simple ass for a ride.

4. Do NOT ignore your husband while he is giving you much needed directions- for some reason the mower stops every time you let go of the handle.

5. Do NOT ignore upper body exercises at the gym- if you do not have the strength of the incredible hulk, you will not be able to pull that stupid rope over and over again till it starts back up…each time you let go of that damn handle.

6. Do NOT move that lever up to the highest number thinking it will make it work better- again without much needed upper body strength you will be dragged at mock speed into a tree that is of course in your way.

7. Do NOT think the mower can shred and chop like your favorite kitchen appliance or garbage disposal- running over large sticks will NOT be shredded into non harming lawn darts…you will kill someone or ruin the stupid lawn mower blade.

8. Do NOT look at a rock and run it over anyway- the mower blade will not simply or lightly throw it aside. It will however kick it back at the speed of light and lodge it into your epidermis.

9. Do NOT keep a firm grip on the handle when you trip- even though its hard to start that damn mower all over again, it’s even harder to remove the grass stains on your knees that go through all 7 layers of your skin.

10. Do NOT think you can do everything just as good as a man- apparently men can do some things better and we should just force them…..I mean let them do it themselves. It will save us our cute gym sneakers, a lot of bruises, cuts and calluses, along with the dirty looks of your neighbors….because apparently they have never heard a swear word or two.
for a much needed point and to keep me from mowing again please click here http://humor-blogs.com/