Monday, April 28, 2008

Un-happy trails.....

Is there a specific reason why my dog feels the need to drag his anal rim across the carpet while I'm trying to relax? Being the mother of two and working full time can be quite challenging when it comes to getting alone time. I'm not sure if I'm being too selfish here, but I would like to enjoy what little alone time I do get, not have it be filled with the uncontrollable urge to look over my shoulder and be the unfortunate witness to my very large basset hound in a position that should not be physically possible for him.
I thought it was pretty bad when he was "fixed" and came home and dragged his empty ball sac across the floor in complete protest, but this ass dragging is way worse and cannot be good for the environment. This act of dragging what I ASSume is an extremely itchy ass cavity slowly back and forth across my carpet is just wrong on so many levels. Not only does it leave a lingering smell of dog anal juice in the air, but I am quite sure it is not healthy for his rectum lining. I just know one day I'm going to turn around and see his rectum lining stretched out and trailing behind him in a crumpled mess. Or worse, kicked up and stretched out over his head!
We must all rally and call someone, anyone who can create an ointment of some sort that will relieve our poor suffering itchy assed pets. Not only will it eliminate those unsightly brown trails left by our loving pets, but it will ensure the wellness of their assholes. Most of all because I will not, I repeat NOT shove his rectum back in when it is abused to the point of a complete fall out.
*** please don't forget to click on the humor link below to give me a point! :)

Monday, April 21, 2008

Should we stay or should we go....

I still believe this little creature of evil is to blame for all unexplained happenings...
You know, I like to think of myself as a rational person but now, I’m not so sure. Apparently reality begs to differ on the subject.
First off let me tell you a little about the main person in this story, so you understand my actions and thoughts on this topic. My teenage daughter, soon to be sweet sixteen….not sure of the “sweet” part but anyway, has always been quite level headed and mature for her age. With more patience and understanding than your average teen, I can always count on her to “tell it like it is”. She’s my “rock”; I on the other hand have a problem with scary movies, monsters, gore and anything else in the evil creepiness category. She will be the brave one and look at it from the realistic view, saying “it’s all fake mom…GOD” (insert severe attitude). Once, I watched “The Grudge” and couldn't sleep for a week. Anyway, my daughter would like to tell her part of the story and as I quote from her, “how it all went down”.

Hello everyone, my name is Amanda. I am the lovely wonderful sweet daughter of April. Now, I am the kind of person who LOVES to go to haunted houses, watch scary movies and I will admit I sometimes like to scare people, but what happened to me proved, or warned me to NEVER scare people EVER again.
I was in my room cleaning, while my mom, dad and lovely sister were downstairs. I decided to get the vacuum (this will score me some points with my mom) so I plugged in the vacuum and away I started singing and vacuuming. Now my little sister is kind of annoying at times and does like to scare people. As I was vacuuming I was turned facing my wall my back to the door, so I wouldn’t notice if someone came in my room and I didn’t hear anyone since the vacuum was on. I was singing merrily along , when I felt two taps on my shoulder, now these taps were not those of my hair or my clothes or the curtains in my room like my family was trying to tell me to “ get my mind off it”, noooo, these taps were hard “human like” taps that I thought were from my sister who was trying to get my attention and then ran away, but when I turned around and screamed out her name, she was no where, and I mean NO WHERE to be found.
I immediately ran downstairs, when I got down there I asked if Jordyn was the biggest jerk on the planet or if I had just been taped on my shoulder by something I wasn’t aware living in my room! When I heard the news that “Jordyn had been downstairs the whole time” I instantly started crying, actual real tears “crocodile tears”(as my mother says) and I swear from now on , NO scaring from me will EVER happen again …Oh and I still haven’t slept in my room since.

Well there it is my daughter’s account of our “paranormal experience”. Now here is my response. My first instinct told me to calmly walk upstairs and pack some clothes and the photo albums and get the fuck out. If the kids and hubby decided to partake then fine, as long as it didn’t take them more than 5 min’s to get their shit and meet me in the already started, fully gassed car.
My second response was to crap my pants and offer my husband’s soul to the entity and hope to God my pants stayed on as I swiftly ran upstairs and out the front door…kids or no kids. Of course I chose a more calm action and frantically said “holy crap! Are you kidding?!” why would that happen? Who and what would do that!?” Mean while my little one has started to cry with complete horror on her face. Then I abruptly said “oh honey I’m sure it’s nothing, maybe you had a muscle spasm or something” knowing full well I was talking out of my ass and completely freaked out. I had to be strong for my girls…..fuck that I’m out of here! your all on your own! Kidding, I could never!!
So now I sit here reluctant to go up to my all of a sudden crowded bed and get another sleepless night filled with elbows to my face and little heels pushed up to my ass or back. Maybe tomorrow morning I will get to wake up and walk downstairs in my zombie state to step into a fresh warm puddle of piss again from my lovely dogs. Wait….why did they leave a puddle of piss this morning??? Were they scared by something….shit! Now I’m never going to get some sleep!
***Please don't forget to click on the humor link to give me a point! Thank you ;)

Monday, April 14, 2008

My poor granny!

You know, I’ve never really thought about how the state of society we live in today would be alarming to our older generation. Think about it, you have people walking around with extreme piercing and tattoos everywhere, nothing hidden. Gay couples outwardly showing affection. People cutting themselves up with plastic surgery and replacing noses and other parts they do not like. Taking GOD out of every public display, school or government building. An African American AND a woman running for presidency. American factories wiped out and outsourced to other countries. Having to import CORN of all things!
Yes these times are quite troubling for anyone let alone our older generation. I called my granny the other night and after asking her how she was she paused and sighed longer than usual. I said, “What’s wrong granny?” She said, “ I don’t know, I’m confused about something” She sounded somewhat scared so I thought I would take a chance and ask for details, knowing full well this would be opening Pandora’s box. She then explained that she heard on the news that a MAN was pregnant and would be giving birth soon and even showed his round pregnant belly on T.V!
She sounded quite upset, so I explained to her that he used to be a woman so it wasn’t all that impossible really. Her response was, “but he still has a “pahdinger”right? Pronounced (puh-dinger). Yes, granny I suppose he, or shim does have a “pahdinger”. “Well…. how are they going to get the baby out and how is he going to breast feed it, and why would she turn herself into a man if she was going to have a baby like a woman?” At that moment all the answers I thought I had for her were wiped out of my head and replaced with utter confusion.
So we sat there in silence for a good 5 uncomfortable minutes. Finally I shrugged and said, “I don’t know granny”. I then realized that we should stop wondering why people do things. Let go some of that confusion and just shrug it off. If someone wants to sew up their vagina and staple on a “pahdinger” and get pregnant, then have at it! Knock yourself out, as my mother would say. No matter what era we are in, crazy will never become extinct, just a new form of crazy will out due the last.
P.S. For the liberals out there.. The examples of shocking things in today's society that I listed, does not mean I am saying any of those are wrong........really
P.S.S- don't forget to click on the humor link to give me a point! :) thanks!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Poop Patrol (tools needed, a shovel, a bag, knees and a back of steel, and the speed and reflexes of a superhero)

(My kind of dog!)
Well the last of the snow has melted and the carnage lay waiting to be cleaned up. Knowing Rochester and the freakish weather patterns, we could easily get another snow storm or two before it’s really over. Although if you go by what we wear this season you would think it was June.
Today I thought I would take a chance and with the sun shining I decided to tackle the much hated job of the year…. “Poop patrol.” This is where the lucky person, usually me, gets to clean the back yard and rid it of petrified logs of poop. Of course, my teenager miraculously disappears off to another dimension unknown to me…….yet. My little one however offers her much appreciated help. She can only handle the job of holding the bag though, due to her undeveloped speed needed to dodge a “flicker”. A “flicker” is where you slowly place your little hand shovel under the end of a turd and begin to wiggle it away from the dead grass it has become one with, then you eagerly flick your wrist up and the shovel comes free too fast and flicks the turd back into your facial area. Now don’t underestimate the speed of a flicker, some have been clocked at over 50mph. Nothing say’s “class” more than screaming like a wild crazy bitch for all the neighbors to hear, but a turd hurdling at your face is NOT cool….at all.
Then you have your “runaway turd”. This is where you bend down and insert your shovel all the way under the turd and every time you begin to pick it up it only pushes it further away, causing you to bend down several times and chase it half way across your lawn swearing obscenities while your little one is laughing at you telling you, you shouldn't say those things. Then my favorite, “the mystery I will never feed my dogs leftovers again shit” This turd is usually more of a spread out patty shape, with unidentified objects lodged in it. These turds are the most challenging to pick up and the most likely to result in a “flicker”
As if I could be more entertained with shit delight, I come across a few “albino turds” I see these every year, and every year I mean to call someone, anyone, and ask them or perhaps report the occurrence to the vet. These are chalky white and perfectly uniformed in shape. I sometimes think they are diversion shits thrown in by the squirrels just so I would torture my dogs by taking them to the vet for a rectal exam. Loosing count after 32 sets of turds and 44 individual random turds I am ready to end my day. Working 8.5 hours and coming home to shit pick is all I can bear. So, I take my crap bundle and tell my daughter we are through for the day, that mommy needs a break.
I pick up a few of the 500 hundred scattered pine cones and call it a day. As I throw a handful of pine cones into the open bag, my daughter is making a muffled chuckle sound with absolute happiness beaming from her devilish eyes. I am too tired to ask what sick twisted thing she is holding back from me, then I see it, and in a split second I realize what has turned my otherwise sweet daughter into a devilish chuckle……the “pine cones” falling into the bag are not all pine cones….looks like there are turds, not yet named, that resemble a pine cone……
**don't forget to click on the link to give me a point! :)