Poop Patrol (tools needed, a shovel, a bag, knees and a back of steel, and the speed and reflexes of a superhero)

(My kind of dog!)

Well the last of the snow has melted and the carnage lay waiting to be cleaned up. Knowing Rochester and the freakish weather patterns, we could easily get another snow storm or two before it’s really over. Although if you go by what we wear this season you would think it was June.

Today I thought I would take a chance and with the sun shining I decided to tackle the much hated job of the year…. “Poop patrol.” This is where the lucky person, usually me, gets to clean the back yard and rid it of petrified logs of poop. Of course, my teenager miraculously disappears off to another dimension unknown to me…….yet. My little one however offers her much appreciated help. She can only handle the job of holding the bag though, due to her undeveloped speed needed to dodge a “flicker”. A “flicker” is where you slowly place your little hand shovel under the end of a turd and begin to wiggle it away from the dead grass it has become one with, then you eagerly flick your wrist up and the shovel comes free too fast and flicks the turd back into your facial area. Now don’t underestimate the speed of a flicker, some have been clocked at over 50mph. Nothing say’s “class” more than screaming like a wild crazy bitch for all the neighbors to hear, but a turd hurdling at your face is NOT cool….at all.

Then you have your “runaway turd”. This is where you bend down and insert your shovel all the way under the turd and every time you begin to pick it up it only pushes it further away, causing you to bend down several times and chase it half way across your lawn swearing obscenities while your little one is laughing at you telling you, you shouldn't say those things. Then my favorite, “the mystery I will never feed my dogs leftovers again shit” This turd is usually more of a spread out patty shape, with unidentified objects lodged in it. These turds are the most challenging to pick up and the most likely to result in a “flicker”

As if I could be more entertained with shit delight, I come across a few “albino turds” I see these every year, and every year I mean to call someone, anyone, and ask them or perhaps report the occurrence to the vet. These are chalky white and perfectly uniformed in shape. I sometimes think they are diversion shits thrown in by the squirrels just so I would torture my dogs by taking them to the vet for a rectal exam. Loosing count after 32 sets of turds and 44 individual random turds I am ready to end my day. Working 8.5 hours and coming home to shit pick is all I can bear. So, I take my crap bundle and tell my daughter we are through for the day, that mommy needs a break.

I pick up a few of the 500 hundred scattered pine cones and call it a day. As I throw a handful of pine cones into the open bag, my daughter is making a muffled chuckle sound with absolute happiness beaming from her devilish eyes. I am too tired to ask what sick twisted thing she is holding back from me, then I see it, and in a split second I realize what has turned my otherwise sweet daughter into a devilish chuckle……the “pine cones” falling into the bag are not all pine cones….looks like there are turds, not yet named, that resemble a pine cone……

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