Monday, August 25, 2008

Magic bird shit?

Gone are the days of simple cold cream and Swedish massage. Nowadays, ailments like sore muscles, lank locks and sallow skin are being remedied with the likes of nightingale excrement (that would be….BIRD SHIT, you can fancy it up all you want by using “nightingale” in front of it, but shit is shit folks) facials, full-body fish therapy, snake massages and — yes — preheated golf balls. (I’m sorry what did you say?)
First of all, if I want bird shit on my face, I’ll go down to the pier and get shit on for free.
Holy Tiger Woods! Pre-heated golf balls?? Where would those be going?? And more importantly why?
Think real hard about that everyone….pre-heated golf balls…why not pre-heated tennis balls? Or maybe pre-heated footballs? Why golf balls? Damn weird rich people!
Equally healing help can be found underwater, courtesy of a flock of hungry fish. (Not to be associated with “flock of seagulls”) At Samputon Spa in Malaysia, a unique breed finds supreme succor nibbling on the dead skin of spa-goers who submerge themselves in their tanks.
Ailments like psoriasis and flakey skin on fingers and feet are put under pain-free attack by these ravenous skin-savers, though the experience is most certainly not for the faint of heart.
“When you are talking about 1000 fish rallying around the body, it definitely scares the squeamish types away,” says spa founder Joe Ng.
Ummmmmmm, let me get this straight, you jump into a filthy tank filled with thousands of ravenous fish, so they can feed off of your dead skin?…..and you pay to do this?
Let me think on this for a minute. I am pretty damn sure that you wouldn’t catch any of my dead skin anywhere near this tank full of piranhas. Whose to say the fish know when to stop?
Like they know when the dead skin stops and your fresh new ALIVE skin begins. All those “beeshies” (that’s what my kids call em) nibbling on your epidermis while you are awake….that tank would have more than fish poop in it if ya know what I mean.
It used to be that nightingales, fish and snakes were just considered part of nature’s majesty, nothing more than elements of the great outdoors that could be enjoyed by those with a penchant for all things wild and wonderful.
That was before a few clever spa practitioners decided to get creative (creative meaning, better ways to charge a boat load of money to stupid people who can afford to be stupid).
Liquor therapy is also big in some spas, (ok now that sounds better, I’m in!) Moral of the story, no matter how many tarded things you do and how much you pay to do it, your simple ass is going to get old and saggy.
If you have dry flaky skin, march on down to the drug store and get a bottle of baby oil or moisturizer of some kind.
If for some reason you feel the need to have a bird shit on your face….well, I can’t help you with that one, clearly you’re a sick individual and should just go somewhere….far.
Before you go somewhere though, go here and vote for me! , I promise it will be fish and bird shit free….well, mostly.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Wanted- all available ugly chicks

CANBERRA - A plea for lovelorn female "ugly ducklings" to move to a remote Australian mining town to reverse a shortage of eligible women has landed the local mayor in hot water.
Mount Isa Mayor John Molony was refusing to apologize on Monday for angering local women (local women meaning, the ugly ones) with a suggestion that "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged should proceed to Mount Isa," in north-west Queensland state.
Now this is the kind of guy we need in the white house!

No sugar coating bull shit with this one! Straight to the point and in possession of big balls! I can hear it now, “My fellow Americans, Russia has launched a barrage of intercontinental missiles that will arrive in California in approximately 30 minutes.

Please do not, I repeat do NOT try to run, hide, or evacuate in anyway. There is absolutely no point in wasting your time, your all going to die in an incinerating painful explosion which will catapult the entire state into the ocean, no matter what you do. Oh and Hollywood, all air flight has been grounded due to Global Warming. Thank you and good night.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

How about a home made mammogram?

I told myself I would never repeat this story, let alone write it down and share it with others. The event was traumatizing enough, but to recall it and have others know about it….just gives me the shakes.
Without sharing this story however, it clearly is a disappointment to my brother, who thinks anything that horrifying and hysterical should be shared with all…as much as possible. So now that he has started a blog himself, I will tell the tale, as to beat him to the punch.
It was a lazy hot day, I remember this fact because at the moment of the incident I was sweaty and irritated, bitching about not having air conditioning. We were getting ready to move and I was working hard at boxing things up. Because of the heat, I was just wearing boxers and a t-shirt and ‘the girls’ were hanging free, unsuppressed by the boulder slings (torture devices) we call a bra.
Now saying “boulders” is really being generous, a full C cup though is nothing to be unhappy about. After breastfeeding two kids who might as well have been attached to the tit for the whole 24hr day, “the girls” are not as perky as they used to be. Now why you ask is the state of my tits such an issue right now? Well it is the key leading to the tragic event itself.
My lovely husband was on the floor, unfortunately for him it was not because he was dead. He was taking something apart or whatever it was that I myself could not or did not want to do.
So I walk innocently up to the dresser I was clearing off and emptying and I grab the lamp and get on my tippy toes and lean over the dresser to yank the cord out of the wall. To much of my surprise I heard the top dresser drawer shut, after that I don’t remember much.
According to my husband’s recollection, he heard a blood curdling scream which scared him so bad he could only lay there in fear for his very soul. Yes people, the unthinkable happened….I had shut and closed my very own mammary in the top drawer.
The kind of shut where you have to open it to release whatever object is in it.
Now let’s all take a moment of silence and realize the magnitude of what I just said. I closed my tit, nipple, mammary or what ever you like to call it tightly into a dresser drawer. For some reason unknown to me, the world kept revolving, if I had any power all life would have ceased at that moment of impact.
Apparently my husband looked up at my convulsing body and thought I was being electrocuted. Unfortunately this was not the case, and I was fumbling against the sheer agonizing pain to open the drawer. I did finally open the drawer and again if I had powers of some sort, my husband would have been skinned alive were he lay.
Although he had the look of compassion he did know that if he made eye contact with me his heart would have stopped.
He did survive though and so did my breast. It did however turn black for a week, and since I was little I was told if something turns black, it’s gonna fall off. Now you know of my pain, and because of that I expect you to vote for me here

Monday, August 11, 2008

It's getting hot in here!

A small-time evangelist was arrested during a church service Monday after police found a body in his freezer believed to be his wife, a mother of eight who strangely disappeared 4 years ago. (I’m sure some of the church members have asked her whereabouts? What did the preacher say? “She’s up north taking a vacation, trying to find God.”
For the love of frosty! She was in the freezer for four years?! “Hey kids, can u go down to the freezer and get some hamburgers and a bag of tots, they should be right next to your mother’s elbow, just under her foot.”

Anthony Hopkins (You have got to be kidding?!) 37, is charged with murder AND incest of his eight children. (As if murder wasn’t enough) He was arrested at a church in Jackson, Ala., during a revival.
So, during his “religious awakening”, did they go over the part “though shall not kill” or you’ll end up in a flaming pit of torturous hell, having creatures rip you apart? …Hey, I actually feel better now!
Police said, no one reported Hopkins' wife, 36-year-old Arletha Hopkins, missing. (Well…no duh! they were too scared, I’m sure they saw “Silence of the lambs”).
You know it’s bad enough there is a large majority of “religious mentors” who’s service include humping little boys, but icing your wife and then conducting a “revival” every Sunday is just pure ballsy.
Now if it was a Baptist church, during his revival would he have broken out with a upbeat rendition of Metallica’s song,” I’ve got something to say…..I killed your mother today” great….I’ll be singing that all day, anyway this is why we should skip the whole justice system and go straight for the large incinerator, which should be built behind every town hall.
Yes, think of all the money and time we could save? Just swing the sick bastard headfirst into a huge pit of flaming death, you know, to prepare him for his eternal state.
The kind of swing where you sloooowly swing him back and count “one” making sure his face gets close enough to feel the heat, then “twoooo” and ‘threeeeee” and weee weee he is flung into the chamber of lava death.
Don’t worry Mr. Al Gore, we will make sure they are all run efficiently with corn fuel or whatever the hell that’s “Eco friendly” enough for your hypocritical ass. Shit…ridding society of sick bastards is “Eco- friendly” to me. Hey be green and vote for me here

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Got worms? I do

Yesterday I am driving home with my two daughters in the car, which is always a joy. If you have 2 daughters you know what I mean. Teenager daughter is in the front seat of course, and 10yr old in the back going through her bundles of goodies from a day at grandma’s house.
For some reason unknown to me or God, my mother likes to give them stuff every time they come over. All kinds of stuff, it could be a whole range of things from hand me down dress up clothes for my youngest, to arts and crafts they diligently worked on. There will always be at least a box or bag or two of stuff!
So I’m driving along trying not to use my car as a battling ram against all mother loving Botards that forgot how to drive home during rush hour. Suddenly my mommy senses told me to glance back at the little one.
Since I am on the expressway, I just quickly take a look in the mirror and sure enough, I see her engrossed in what I can only imagine as something really bad, messy or dangerous to anyone in the vicinity. So I push down that feeling of parent panic and figure it can’t be THAT bad. So I risk a quick turn of my head to actually see face to face what she is doing.
I then see my daughter holding what looks like a large slimy and most importantly a living thing. I turn back and give my teenager a look of pure disgust and she rolls her eyes, which teenagers are real good at.
So right there I knew, she knew what the HELL was going on in the backseat of my car that I can never keep clean or empty.
After checking my mirrors to make sure I didn’t run anyone off the road again, I take another look and this time she decided to shove her hands closer to my face just in case I want a closer and better look.
How nice of her, anyway there, within 5 inches of my facial area was a large, fat, juicy, dirty, disgusting, wiggly worm. Complete with my little one’s face contorted into an evil grin followed with that Jack Nicholson chuckle.
My lovely teenager busted out with “ask her what’s in the other container ma” Are you fucking kidding me here?! So, I ask the little dear what is in the other container.
She responded with “minnow’s, lots of them.”
For the love of Jack Hanna! Why do I have worms and minnows in my car and all over my child….while I’m driving?!
You see it’s just one more group of living creatures that will end up a dried up smelly cluster of death….in my house! I can’t possibly have any land left to bury anymore dead things!
As we go over a high bridge my first instinct was to chuck all containers containing things that I do not want alive….. anymore.Then I realize my little one will be traumatized and pissed off, and I was in no mood for “whinny, I have a vagina” drama.
Then as usual I remember a saying my mother used to say every chance she got, “I can’t wait till you have kids of your own!” Yeah ma, so you can send them home with everything that pissed you off that I did.
So, I turned back around and said it, “ I can’t wait till you have kids someday!
What’s worse than the residual smell of minnows in stinky lake water as you drive to work the next morning? Pretty much nothing.Please have pity and vote for me here

Monday, August 4, 2008

Here’s a Quickie

Paris Hilton's mom takes offense at McCain's humor

On Sunday, Hilton's mother, Kathy Hilton, a McCain donor, registered her disapproval.
(Ah yes because the “Hilton” name has such high standing’s in the grounds of morality.)

McCain, the Republican presidential candidate, said last week that his campaign ad mocking Democrat Barack Obama with images of Hilton and singer Britney Spears was part of an attempt to inject humor into the presidential race. (I’m pretty damn sure Brittany’s mother will keep shut on this topic.)
The ad plays on Obama's popularity by dismissing him as a mere celebrity, like Hilton and Spears.Why? Has he been seen going "commando?" I'm pretty sure if I saw a shot of his dangling crotch as he got out of his limo, I'd remember it. I'm also pretty sure Oprah would be right behind him gathering it up to carry it for him. The Obama campaign has said the ad is proof that McCain would rather launch negative attacks than debate important issues. Which prompted Hilton to speak of her disdain.

Soooooo, she takes “offense” at this???? This, coming from a woman that spawned 2 of the biggest skanks known to society. Hmmm?? I wonder if she displayed her high moral standards as the video of her daughter “smoking the pole” played on you tube for a month. If I was her I would keep her mouth shut, her daughters can take care of all that mouth flapping on their end….

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