Thursday, August 14, 2008

How about a home made mammogram?


I told myself I would never repeat this story, let alone write it down and share it with others. The event was traumatizing enough, but to recall it and have others know about it….just gives me the shakes.
Without sharing this story however, it clearly is a disappointment to my brother, who thinks anything that horrifying and hysterical should be shared with all…as much as possible. So now that he has started a blog himself, I will tell the tale, as to beat him to the punch.
It was a lazy hot day, I remember this fact because at the moment of the incident I was sweaty and irritated, bitching about not having air conditioning. We were getting ready to move and I was working hard at boxing things up. Because of the heat, I was just wearing boxers and a t-shirt and ‘the girls’ were hanging free, unsuppressed by the boulder slings (torture devices) we call a bra.
Now saying “boulders” is really being generous, a full C cup though is nothing to be unhappy about. After breastfeeding two kids who might as well have been attached to the tit for the whole 24hr day, “the girls” are not as perky as they used to be. Now why you ask is the state of my tits such an issue right now? Well it is the key leading to the tragic event itself.
My lovely husband was on the floor, unfortunately for him it was not because he was dead. He was taking something apart or whatever it was that I myself could not or did not want to do.
So I walk innocently up to the dresser I was clearing off and emptying and I grab the lamp and get on my tippy toes and lean over the dresser to yank the cord out of the wall. To much of my surprise I heard the top dresser drawer shut, after that I don’t remember much.
According to my husband’s recollection, he heard a blood curdling scream which scared him so bad he could only lay there in fear for his very soul. Yes people, the unthinkable happened….I had shut and closed my very own mammary in the top drawer.
The kind of shut where you have to open it to release whatever object is in it.
Now let’s all take a moment of silence and realize the magnitude of what I just said. I closed my tit, nipple, mammary or what ever you like to call it tightly into a dresser drawer. For some reason unknown to me, the world kept revolving, if I had any power all life would have ceased at that moment of impact.
Apparently my husband looked up at my convulsing body and thought I was being electrocuted. Unfortunately this was not the case, and I was fumbling against the sheer agonizing pain to open the drawer. I did finally open the drawer and again if I had powers of some sort, my husband would have been skinned alive were he lay.
Although he had the look of compassion he did know that if he made eye contact with me his heart would have stopped.
He did survive though and so did my breast. It did however turn black for a week, and since I was little I was told if something turns black, it’s gonna fall off. Now you know of my pain, and because of that I expect you to vote for me here



Humor-Blogs.com

27 comments:

Chat Blanc said...

zomg!!! I'm sorry to laugh, but be assured, my eyes are watering too, from the mere thought of the pain!!! you poor thing! :o

oh, and, men! pfft.

AoE said...

one was black and one was white ... talk about variety! Lucky husband :) (aren't guys shallow)

Rickey said...

What, Rickey has a home made colonoscopy machine, that's perfectly normal, yes?

damon said...

Your brother was right.
It needed to be shared.
You shouldn't put boobs in a drawer. Boobs belong on a shelf, or a carefully packed moving box.
I'm a guy, and even I know that!

Meg said...

I'm sorry for your pain, but you got a great story out of it.

Note to self: must blog about boobs to attract more male commentors.

King Alonte the Chihuahua who thinks he is a Bear said...

April, it would have been great if it stayed black, like Adam Sandler's foot in Mr. Deeds, and then you could have everyone stab at it and throw it around and possibly even smash trough a pond of ice to save someone who has fallen through. You could even use it like a rope to have the victim climb to safety and your Black dead boob caould becaome a hero and be on Time magazine and get the key to the city and be on Oprah and shit. And I would be the twin brother of the Black tittie Hero. Maybe even get a song like instead of "juke box hero", it would be "Black Tit Hero"......man that would have been so cool you selfish fucking bitch for letting it heal....
Love your darling Brother
xoxoxo

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

At the suggestion of my brother I checked your blog out. Today of all days.

My boobs hurt just reading about this. They hurt more because I almost did this once. Yes, the girls are a' saggin' these days..thanks to a marathon nurser named J.G. *sigh*

Bee said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHA!!
HEE HEE HAAA HAA! I'm having convulsions over here!! :o)

Unknown said...

I can't even imagine the pain associated with this...

I don't even want to...

I will try to scrub this from my mind from going to vote for you.

You need votes and tea and sympathy.

Also a new boob.

Unknown said...

This was one of the funniest stories I have read! Your "bro" was right....it HAD to be told!!

Deb said...

OMG... BOTH my boobs hurt just reading that! To quote my 96-year-old foreign-born Nana, "Oh, you poor tings"!

Anonymous said...

Thats AWESOME!!! You should have taken pics...

Anonymous said...

Oh Lordy! Soon's I go put on my bra I'm gonna laugh my head off. Sorry, I know it wasn't funny then but now...hooooooooottt ahahahahah

Jessica said...

Wow...I am so sorry to hear about your hurt hooter! That was probably one of the funniest things I've heard all day.

I look forward to future posts just as funny as this one...I just hope that your hooters aren't hurt in the process!

p.s-I ALWAYS get those word verifications wrong at least once!

Leah said...

oh no!!!!! ouch!!

I'm sure my hubby would have laid there dumb-founded and dumb as well. sigh...

Anonymous said...

The only thing I can think of that would be worse was when my poor baby brother decided to go commando one day and zipped up his nether parts. Poor baby walked with his legs spraddled for several days, and I'm pretty sure he never forgot his underwear after that.

Babs (Beetle) said...

oooooh! I feel the pain - well I don't really ;O) I will go and vote for you right now. After reliving that pain, you deserve a vote!

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes. I don't have boobs, but I don't know if I need them to cringe reading your story. Yikes!

Anonymous said...

Your story made my day, my eyes are still watering from laughing, um, sympathy... :)

I think I better wear that torture thingy now...

Jack Payne said...

Odd story. Well told. Good for some side-splitting laughs.

Her Husband said...

As her husband the story is a little different than she has remembered. I was not on the ground doing something, I was standing next to the dresser looking behind it for whatever reason. None of that is important. What is important is that this is where the "story" and the truth separate. Up to the point where she was helping me with the dresser is all accurate, but I was the one pulling the lamp cord out of the wall. She being the woman had to make sure I was doing it the right way and leaned over to inspect what I was doing. It was at that point that I heard the dresser drawer shut, and with that noise her mouth shut too. So I knew one of two things, either I had done something right, or there was something seriously wrong. When I looked up to see which it was I could see the look on her face. It was not a look that I had seen before, but just at that moment see let out the biggest shriek I have still to this day heard anyone do. Then the fun stuff started. It was like I was in the room with Regan from the Exorcist. The name calling of me was so much worse than everyday normal married life, she was damning my mother to hell for ever having me. I could not really tell what the problem was until she said something along the lines of "If you don't open the drawer right now I will stab you to death in your sleep." So of course I opened it immediately. Now let me put the story straight about how much of the Tit was actually in the drawer. I have to say in was just the nipple it's self, from areola forward. Not the whole tit as she has remembered. I have to say I think it was more traumatizing for me that it was for her, the pain for her went away after awhile, I still have never been able to publicly laugh about something so damn funny. You just had to be there to see it, it was so funny.

robkroese said...

Wow. And I thought being stuck in your zipper was bad. I like hubby's version. :)

Unknown said...

Crap on a muppet, I wouldn't like to have been your nip.

AxedbyDax said...

lol, very funny. You just made my sleepy day alive. I love every post you have in your blog.Keep it up.

Candice said...

If that's not a good argument for a boob job then I don't know what is. In fact, I fully plan on slamming both of my tits in my drawer tomorrow so that I too can have a good excuse for a little lifty loo for my girls.

I might even make the argument to my insurance company that the surgery should be covered since it's now medically necessary. I mean, if left to my own devices I may accidently give myself a double mastectomy. Something has to be done stat!

Think it'll work?

Nah...

kden said...

Well, I for one and glad that you decided to tell this story. I'm sorry, but it was funnier than hell ;-)

Bent Girl said...

Hysterical...yet tragic. Funny story and well written. Caught you on blogcatalog. Hope to see u around blogosphere. Check me out too funnygirl! Hope you're all better now.

http://evermfamous.blogspot.com/