For the love of Downy, why does dirty laundry multiply like rabbits on crack?! I have an idea why don't we send all our dirty laundry to the criminals in jail to do for us? I mean really all they do is play basketball and work out. Shouldn't they NOT be doing something fun? I say all the people out there with dirty laundry piling up rally for the prisoners to stop making license plates and do our laundry. I mean wash and properly fold and separate into proper little piles of washed fluffy goodness. Then on the way home from work we can all drive up to a little convenient window and pick up said laundry bundles.

Important rules every male cyclist should know

1. Do not under any circumstances wear spandex….ever. I’m serious, there is not a woman alive that wants to see you in that, EVER…….please for the love of sight, keep that for home use only.

2. Please wear pants that cover your ENTIRE ass not just the bottom part, but the top crack part as well. No one wants to see a hairy A- hole on their way to work, and it can’t possibly be comfortable.

3. If you insist on riding with traffic, then do not get in the way, after all you are worth at least 20 points. God help you if you get in the way of someone frantically trying to get home to the toilet, turtleing will only improve your chances of getting hit or run off the road.

4. Make sure every part you have a current use for, is secured appropriately, important objects are known to get stuck in the spokes of the wheels. Also, important appendages do not fare well when you run over a pot hole. According to my brother it hurts when a nut randomly gets free and is unintentionally sat on.

5. If you insist on all the fancy gadgets and latest trends for your bike, then make sure they do not hamper the functions of the bike. We all will laugh watching you wobble uncontrollably as you are furiously trying to set your pedometer or fan speed.

6. Last but not least, DO continue to think you are cool by riding your bike without utilizing your arms and hands. Leaning back with your arms to the side displaying your apparent Godly skills, can only lead to tears, tears of laughter for all of us driving along innocently. We know the chances of you hitting a pothole or the handlebars suddenly jerking to one side, are greatly in our favor and everyone can use a good laugh or two.

It's family time God Dammit!

Ummmm....just a little tip I thought I would pass on. Be careful of your movie selection for your family's movie night. I have been working hard and going back to school and I have a few days off, so I thought it would be great for our family to bond and have a movie night. Much cheaper than going out, anyway I told my husband to bring home the movie, The Knowing. I said, "oh I think that was the movie that had a cool trailer, that should be good, get that one" So we all sat down and of course my 2 girls had to start fighting....again, so I screamed "we are going to have a family night God dammit, now sit down!" Well, we sat down to a movie of death and the destruction of all human kind......
enough said
and wow

Lock your doors and get a dog!

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

Your fired!

MADISON, Wis. - A nurse was called out of surgery so a manager could tell her she was being laid off. The Madison-based health care provider announced Wednesday that it planned to "immediately" lay off 90 employees. I am pretty sure that whoever read this memo first should have not take “immediately” too literal.

Here is my list for the reasons for NOT doing this sort thing.
1. When the nurse goes back to surgery, I don’t think her mindset will be in the favor of the patient……at all.
2. Due to her blinding well deserved pissed offness, she might not notice that she clamped the wrong vein, which will then lead to the patient’s blood loss related death.
3. The surgery room will be filled with complete uncomfortable silence. I know I would be too scared to say anything to her, especially “pass the scalpel”
4. Surgery rooms are usually equipped with sharp implements of death.
5. When pissed off, women usually throw objects……
6. I believe everyone else in the room might experience an uncomfortable feeling of impending job loss. Which will then lead to an “I don’t give a shit attitude” and surely several items of a non biological nature will be conveniently left in the poor bastard’s body.
7. Nurses usually know important people like anesthesiologists; you might wake up one morning in your bed, missing an important body part, or now have extra one. Like perhaps a boob in the middle of your forehead….think about that possible consequence for a minute.
8. Someday that same nurse might be “assisting” a surgery on you and a chuckle and an “opps” is NOT something you want to hear as the mask goes over your face

Super Penis to the rescue!

My husband and I went to the movies this weekend and saw “watchmen” and I quickly decided the title of the movie should have been “Dr. Blue penis” instead. At first I quite admired the blue man (Dr. Manhattan) and his wonderfully chiseled blue body. Clearly that body was computer generated right down the blue swinging penis. Now I must admit, I was visually mesmerized by this blatant attempt to confuse the female audience. You couldn't’t help but stare at its blue glowing aura and I was ashamed of myself for doing so. Was this some kind of ploy to get women to enjoy superhero movies? Seriously they could have put a cape on it and it would have been able to save the world from complete annihilation on its own. Come to think about it, I didn't notice if he had a set of blue balls as well??? Crap, I'll have to rent it when it comes out. Warning though, this is definitely not the super hero movie you should take your children to! “Mommy, how come the blue superman is showing his pahdinger like that? Next your little boys are going to be running around the neighborhood with nothing but a cape on! I give this movie 4 penis’s up, up up and away!
For much needed points please click here

Keep your Arse shut!

WACO, Texas - A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend (I would have to say…he doesn’t sound like a good friend), police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night (hmmm??? 5 men sharing 1 room? That’s scary on its own), and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence(ASS ATTACK) problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest. (Which I’m sure caused the man to then SHIT in his pants).Ok, yes we have all wanted to cause harm to the person with excessive noxious ass gas, but to actually stab the person?! LOL! From now on the poor guy’s ass is going to pucker and tremor with even the very thought of farting again. I believe the term would have to be “ass shocked” instead of “shell shocked”. Then he will bloat into a walking gas bomb teetering on the verge of mass explosion that would rock 10 city blocks. What’s he going to do when he has to fart again? For the man that stabbed the guy….does he not fart? Could he not of opened the window or stepped outside? What on earth would make him think stabbing the guy would be a wise choice? I think a good chop block to the nose would have been better, or maybe a jolt from a stun gun. Either way, I thank both men for providing me with a good damn laugh.
For much needed points please click here