Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Important rules every male cyclist should know







1. Do not under any circumstances wear spandex….ever. I’m serious, there is not a woman alive that wants to see you in that, EVER…….please for the love of sight, keep that for home use only.

2. Please wear pants that cover your ENTIRE ass not just the bottom part, but the top crack part as well. No one wants to see a hairy A- hole on their way to work, and it can’t possibly be comfortable.

3. If you insist on riding with traffic, then do not get in the way, after all you are worth at least 20 points. God help you if you get in the way of someone frantically trying to get home to the toilet, turtleing will only improve your chances of getting hit or run off the road.

4. Make sure every part you have a current use for, is secured appropriately, important objects are known to get stuck in the spokes of the wheels. Also, important appendages do not fare well when you run over a pot hole. According to my brother it hurts when a nut randomly gets free and is unintentionally sat on.

5. If you insist on all the fancy gadgets and latest trends for your bike, then make sure they do not hamper the functions of the bike. We all will laugh watching you wobble uncontrollably as you are furiously trying to set your pedometer or fan speed.

6. Last but not least, DO continue to think you are cool by riding your bike without utilizing your arms and hands. Leaning back with your arms to the side displaying your apparent Godly skills, can only lead to tears, tears of laughter for all of us driving along innocently. We know the chances of you hitting a pothole or the handlebars suddenly jerking to one side, are greatly in our favor and everyone can use a good laugh or two.
Humor-Blogs.com

4 comments:

Leeuna said...

Personally I think cyclist who use the public roads should have to buy a tag for their bicycle. Those of us who drive anything with a motor have to pay for the privilege. And we don't even inflict our spandex-wearing trick-riding selves on people who are in a hurry to get where they're going.
Not that I'm bitter or anything, I'm just saying...

Anonymous said...

Ok, first of all good public message...now as far as the "nut" thing, yes I have been subject to an unscheduled, nut squash while getting into my truck with boxers and loose fitting shorts on and it was, rather unsurprisingly, unsettling and quite painfull. Now as far as the bikes go, FUCK the assholes who actually ride in the street like they are motor vehicles, with thier little fuckin hand signals and reflectors and mirrors and helmets...they all need to get introduced to the curb of the street via the side of your car.....ASSHOLES!
XOXO-your older wiser and strickingly handsome brother Mark

kathcom said...

I saw a guy cycling this weekend in beige spandex shorts. He looked like a nude eunuch. And every time he hiked his butt up off the seat, I could see the sweat stain that made him look like he'd wet himself.

I don't understand how guys deal with having balls. They must be so inconvenient.

Cyclists hold up traffic in Manhattan like they own the road. Mayor Bloomberg has had bicycle lanes painted on streets round the city. In Queens, it's hilarious. There is no room for a separate lane but there it is, like it offers some magical protection. I think people who cycle in the middle of the street should be targets in a citywide paintball game. It's humane and fun.

Tys on Ice said...

in defence to nuts, i would like to enlighten the nutless gender that if placed in its proper position and unless one suffers from severely distended balls, the chances of sitting on your own nuts is very rare...when it does occur one it does help if one is not overweight...

i cud never understand spandex cycling shorts...but then i never cud understand speedos either...