Thursday, July 31, 2008

Courtney Love??....I don't think so

I have a question for Courtney, do you ever get dressed while your sober? I’m all for fighting the whole aging process and “hitting the wall” with a good fight at least, but this is not normal, at all…nor should it be allowed……in public, or anywhere there happens to be human beings. Let’s review shall we.

1. The slut bag’s…opps! I mean, the poor dear’s face looks like it has been pulled back and duct taped under the naps of her over processed hair.

2. If you are over 35 (and that is being generous) please do NOT don fishnet stockings…. especially WHITE ones…..ever. (Unless, you want something done around the house from your husband)

3. Placing a splotch of purple dye on to your matted hair, not a wise choice if your skin tone is a shade lighter than Casper’s. If you must insist, then while you are at it, at least touch up your black roots….I mean really.

4. Someone should have told you chunky Frankenstein shoes are no longer “in”……and there ugly. (With as much falling and passing out she does, one would think she’d pick a more sensible shoe.

5. I do have to hand it to her as far as her body goes, great shape, although with a diet consisting of Quaaludes, speed, cocaine, vodka and a shot of heroin here and there, I expect nothing else.

6. Maybe she was trying to achieve the whole “fuck me I’m still sexy look” but I have to say, it’s more of a “commit me immediately” look.

Please vote for me at and save me from hitting the wall!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Who the hell released The Kraken?

I don’t know what all the fuss was regarding water boarding, throw a prisoner into the same room as my husband and his snoring will drive the man to complete insanity, begging to share his valuable secrets. I’m talking about the kind of snoring that can actually be genetically linked to “The Kraken” (For those of you that are not cool and too young to know, “The kraken” is the great beast in the movie “Clash of the Titans”).
A snore so loud, that instead of wanting to smother the snorer, you just want to kill yourself. A snore so loud and thunderous it can wake you up out of a peaceful R.E.M from another floor of the house…with the door shut. I am not sure how it is physically possible to create such a sound in your sleep unless of course your best friends with George Lucas, but I am quite sure it’s NOT normal.
I also believe that if I do a census, unexplained sleep deprivation for the neighboring houses and it’s occupants will be a key factor. Thankfully “The Kraken” does not sound off every night, just on the nights…...I need to, sleep.
I think Al Gore should be notified, he would want to immediately be the founder a project to harness the energy put out from my husband’s mouth and power all of California. Either that or he would blame global warming along with the melting of ALL the polar caps directly on “The Kraken”, I mean my husband.
Some nights I actually play though several scenarios in my mind of how one can make the torture stop. Then after several swift and slightly forceful kicks combined with forearm shoves to my “innocent” sleeping husband, he changes position, which quiets the roar long enough for me to fall back asleep. For the life of me I cannot comprehend why the noise emulating from his own actual body does not wake himself up?
I really think that if you make a recording of the torturous sound, which would probably be dangerous for mankind to possess but anyway, hook up the recording to be continuously played at our borders, this will deter all life from wanting to enter. Please if there is a scientist that can invent a force field to place my husband into during his slumber, I would greatly appreciate it. To silence The Kraken, click here, and don't forget to vote

Monday, July 14, 2008

Thumper?…..more like Humper!

This summer nature decided to grace us with the realistic view of the cute, fluffy, nose twitching creature…the bunny. Yes, little bunny foofoo has been quite busy in our yard this year.
Ever so often we see an adult bunny or two hopping around our back yard. Unfortunately it’s always in the vicinity of my garden. If you know me at all I am far from having a “green thumb” and I have pretty much winged it with the whole gardening thing. I dig a hole and throw some damn seeds in it and look up to the sky and beg GOD to give me bounty.
So I get a tad bit distressed when I see Mr. Bunny foo foo hovering near on or around my garden. I guess it’s ok if they have a nibble or two, I mean how can I say no to those cute bunners with their cotton tail? Little did I know those cute bunners are not so innocent!
All of a sudden we were stepping in baby bunner nests all over the damn place. We were inundated with furry little bundles, hopefully not from the same mother…that would just be too much for any female and could not possibly be good for their..umm private area. Unfortunately though, the bunner mother seems to be retarded. She is not properly providing accurate coverage for such frail teenie weenie bundles of baby fluffers!
She is just laying them on top of the grass and putting a wad of grass over them. Unfortunately our 2 dogs are not retarded…well not when it comes to real live play things to thrash about and proudly bring into the house as to reward us for feeding and housing them. So, some bunners are not surviving, which is quite horrifying for my 2 girls and I.
The hubby thinks they resemble rats too much so he could pretty much care less. At first, my youngest daughter and I tried frantically hopping around the yard gathering up as many bunners we can pounce on with our not so cat like agility.
Even though they are tiny helpless looking creatures, as soon as you disturb a bundle of them they dart off with light speed in opposite directions of course.
At this point most our neighbors simply shrug off our random weird acts, even if we are hoping around like frantic freaks. As we fling our bodies into the air, arms outstretched to grasp those little bundles of fast fury, we gather as many as we can to save them from impending death. I yell out to my little one, “quick get them, get them all, we must save the bunnies!” We safety place them into our fenced garden, this will at least save them from the awaiting mouths of our dogs.
Well, just about every day we have had some sort of a bunny incident. For the love of Peter cotton tail! How much humping can these bunnies do!? Do they ever take a break and maybe sleep? Is it in their genetic code to spawn as many babies they can in their lifetime?
Could it be that their goal is to rule the world someday? We already had a “humper” in the oval office…didn’t work out so well. Well, now that I have implanted the thought into my mind, I am sure I will have nightmares of bunnies multiplying at seemingly impossible rates! Some more bunnies have hopped their way over to

Monday, July 7, 2008

"Oh BeeHave"

Twelve million honeybees (I think they used the word “honeybee” as to prevent the extreme panic and terror of saying “killer bees”) were released along Canada's largest highway in northwest New Brunswick after a transport truck overturned.

The driver of the truck was not hurt. (ummmm am I the only one who could give a flipping crap if the driver was hurt or not? I’m more concerned about the millions of little stinging soldiers of pain surrounding my….area. Personally, since he was not hurt, I believe someone should take his ass out back and beat him about the head and ass area for being such a careless botard.

"It's certainly not a situation where you want to tempt problems," said Duplain. "You certainly don't want to go walking through a field of disoriented, agitated honey bees." (Really?? Well no shit Sherlock, anyone in their right mind would have ran like Richard Simmons his first day in prison to get their precious ass far from the giant pissed off bee cloud of slow burning death.)

Duplain said if the bees are not captured quickly, they could disperse into the countryside and find a home inside a tree hollow or another protected area, though it's unlikely they would survive very long. (Well, with my luck that would be my home…yes I could see it now, I open my door to go to work one lovely morning and suddenly I am stalked by millions of pissed off bees.
They instantly home in on my Casper white like body, attracted to the blank canvas. They assume my simple ass would never out run their attack. Little did they know…no one messes with me in the morning…I don’t give a shit if it’s a colony of bees or not, a smack down will occur, and I will walk…or run away triumphantly.)

The moral of this story first of all is NOT to transport such a huge amount of bees, "honey" or "killer" in the near vicinity of humans..Unless you’re transporting to Iraq and they are injected with a virus to cause a slow painful death of course.

Second, please hire a competent woman to do such a job. We are so scared of bugs and anything that flies, looks icky and can hurt us at the same time. So you could bet your sweet ass a woman would be more than careful as to NOT be the cause of a mass amount of bees being set free anywhere near our body or within 5 miles of our aura.

To send a colony of pissed off bees to Iraq click here