Granny

I know I am going to get flack for this but it’s too good not to share. It’s a ‘granny” story, yes I have a granny that keeps us entertained with some doozies ever so often. She is 87; we think…you see she has always lied about her age.

Granny is a veteran from World War 2; believe it or not she was a sergeant in the army, a warplane mechanic. So we always looked up to her and enjoyed her stories, even though she has told us the same stories more than 50 times, and each time with the enthusiasm as if she was telling it for the first time.

You don’t mess with Granny; she’ll slap you down quick. She is however starting to loose her mind, well what’s left of it anyway. 2 weeks ago I was cleaning up from dinner and the phone rang and it was granny and in a quiet somewhat guilty tone in her voice she said. “ April…..is food coloring poisonous to hamsters?” “I’m sorry….what…what did you say granny?”. She said again, “ Do you think food coloring would kill a hamster?”

At that very moment my heart started to race and visions of hamster torture methods flashed through my mind. I reluctantly said, “ why granny?”. “Because, I got bored and painted a green stripe on the hamster’s back. I just used green food coloring and a paintbrush. Now he is mad and ran away”.

Again I paused and thought this was it, this is the moment I have been putting off preparing for, the moment my granny snapped to a point of no return. She then told me how she thought it would be a funny thing to do, now she is upset because the hamster is now gone, nowhere to be found.

She told me how she is worried he will die somewhere and turn green. “Well Granny, I said you already took care of the green part remember?” I told her not to worry, that food coloring is not harmful and that maybe he will come back soon.

I quickly ended the conversation due to severe confusion on my part. Now I sat there for a little while absolutely sure that I was going to have to arrange for granny to be put in a home and how that would go over with her. I am physically frightened of her you see; we all believe she has powers to render us…..dead. She seems all sweet and innocent but really we all know the truth. Now an innocent victim has paid the ultimate price of humility. Poor little fluffy stained hamster is somewhere being laughed at by all his buddies.

My next call would be from the hamster, which I assume he has a New York accent.”Hey yo lady that comes here to drop off food for the old dragon, I can’t talk long the bitch is in the bathroom. I need you to come over and bring a wet substance that can remove this hideous color from my once lovely orange coat.

Now listen, I have put up with too much, it’s bad enough I have to be dressed in tight fitting knit ensembles. I don’t even complain much about the bonnets either, but this shit, this shit is wrong and I will not stand for it…anymore. Crap! The evil one is coming! Please lady, please save me! I’m itching oh so bad from this green shit and speaking of shit! My turds have been coming out green for hours! Get here now, or send reinforcements! Before she finds me and I have to sit in those little chairs and drink her nasty tea! For the love of St. Francis!” Click…..all I heard after that was a dial tone.

I then decided that for the best interest of my children and the safety of all who come in contact with my granny, that I should leave it be, turn my head and join the world of denial. I cannot mess with forces of that nature; things could be thrown off course and life, as we all know it could end.

So now I can’t stop thinking of poor little hamster hiding, shivering in a dark place with his green mark of shame. I know I will go to hell for my decision but it’s the only way.

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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

I came across an interesting little article today; here is a piece of it, along with some comments I felt had to be made. After all I am a woman.

If women ruled the world, everything would change, according to former White House press secretary Dee Dee Myers. Politics would be more collegial (yeah until the first bitch shows up to a meeting with better hair or shoes) Businesses would be more productive. (Except for the day’s we feel bloated, constipated or have bad cramps) And communities would be healthier. (Healthier? Ohh sure, unless you do not count the times we eat cupcakes in the closet so no one finds out, then force our family to eat all their brussell sprouts at dinner) Empowering women would make the world a better place.(just as long as you hide the “red button” cuz one wrong move on a menstrual day and your ass is blown up, no questions asked) Myers challenges us to imagine a not-too-distant future in which increasing numbers of women reach the top ranks of politics, business, science and academia. Here's an excerpt from “Why Women Should Rule the World”

If we were in charge, things might actually change. Instead of posturing, we’d have cooperation. (This involves catty bickering and hair pulling) Instead of gridlock, we’d have progress. (Progress? Not unless spending millions of tax dollars inventing panty hose that do NOT roll down at the waist when you sit down? Now that would be progress.)Instead of a shouting match, we’d have a conversation. A very long conversation. But a conversation nonetheless. (There would not be enough time in the day) Everyone would just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.”(Kumbaya? Fuck kumbaya! The world would blow up with all the constant bitching of unimportant issues. The dirty looks alone would bring Osama out of hiding begging to be put out of his misery. Water boarding? Hell…that would be changed to locking a prisoner in a room with Rosie O’Donnell or Rosanne Barr for an hour. I am a woman and I am the first one to admit that women ruling the world would not be a good thing…..ever.) I mean HELLOOOO?? look at Hillary Clinton! Enough said....

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LOCK YOUR DOORS AND GET A DOG!

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

IMMEDIATELY WE MUST GET TOGETHER A HUNTING PARTY TO ROUND THEM ALL UP. BETTER YET SOMEONE ONE CALL TED NUGGENT IN, FOR IF ANYONE CAN ERADICATE THIS IMPISH CREATURE IS THE BIG GUN TOTING BAD ASS ROCKER HIMSELF! WARNING!!! DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES. please click the link to give me a point http://humor-blogs.com/