Granny

I know I am going to get flack for this but it’s too good not to share. It’s a ‘granny” story, yes I have a granny that keeps us entertained with some doozies ever so often. She is 87; we think…you see she has always lied about her age.

Granny is a veteran from World War 2; believe it or not she was a sergeant in the army, a warplane mechanic. So we always looked up to her and enjoyed her stories, even though she has told us the same stories more than 50 times, and each time with the enthusiasm as if she was telling it for the first time.

You don’t mess with Granny; she’ll slap you down quick. She is however starting to loose her mind, well what’s left of it anyway. 2 weeks ago I was cleaning up from dinner and the phone rang and it was granny and in a quiet somewhat guilty tone in her voice she said. “ April…..is food coloring poisonous to hamsters?” “I’m sorry….what…what did you say granny?”. She said again, “ Do you think food coloring would kill a hamster?”

At that very moment my heart started to race and visions of hamster torture methods flashed through my mind. I reluctantly said, “ why granny?”. “Because, I got bored and painted a green stripe on the hamster’s back. I just used green food coloring and a paintbrush. Now he is mad and ran away”.

Again I paused and thought this was it, this is the moment I have been putting off preparing for, the moment my granny snapped to a point of no return. She then told me how she thought it would be a funny thing to do, now she is upset because the hamster is now gone, nowhere to be found.

She told me how she is worried he will die somewhere and turn green. “Well Granny, I said you already took care of the green part remember?” I told her not to worry, that food coloring is not harmful and that maybe he will come back soon.

I quickly ended the conversation due to severe confusion on my part. Now I sat there for a little while absolutely sure that I was going to have to arrange for granny to be put in a home and how that would go over with her. I am physically frightened of her you see; we all believe she has powers to render us…..dead. She seems all sweet and innocent but really we all know the truth. Now an innocent victim has paid the ultimate price of humility. Poor little fluffy stained hamster is somewhere being laughed at by all his buddies.

My next call would be from the hamster, which I assume he has a New York accent.”Hey yo lady that comes here to drop off food for the old dragon, I can’t talk long the bitch is in the bathroom. I need you to come over and bring a wet substance that can remove this hideous color from my once lovely orange coat.

Now listen, I have put up with too much, it’s bad enough I have to be dressed in tight fitting knit ensembles. I don’t even complain much about the bonnets either, but this shit, this shit is wrong and I will not stand for it…anymore. Crap! The evil one is coming! Please lady, please save me! I’m itching oh so bad from this green shit and speaking of shit! My turds have been coming out green for hours! Get here now, or send reinforcements! Before she finds me and I have to sit in those little chairs and drink her nasty tea! For the love of St. Francis!” Click…..all I heard after that was a dial tone.

I then decided that for the best interest of my children and the safety of all who come in contact with my granny, that I should leave it be, turn my head and join the world of denial. I cannot mess with forces of that nature; things could be thrown off course and life, as we all know it could end.

So now I can’t stop thinking of poor little hamster hiding, shivering in a dark place with his green mark of shame. I know I will go to hell for my decision but it’s the only way.

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