DWS (driving while stupid)

Is there a reason why people feel the need to drive their vehicles while I’m driving mine? Can’t every one just re-arrange their schedules so that they will not be driving while I’m on the road…at all? Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme.

How about this, my car and only my car of course, should come complete with functioning coffee holders, air conditioning and a ZAP button. Yes, a ZAP button. You see I need this convenient accessory so that when certain situations arise I can take care of them at the push of a button. This button will target the correct vehicle and deliver an efficient amount of electricity that will jar its driver ever so slightly…who am I kidding!? I want it to jolt the “STUPID” right out of the deserving driver. Just enough volts to cause a painful 3 second spasm.

The unsuspecting dumbass will then immediately be aware that they have affected others by their stupid driving and think twice not to do so again. A perfect example of people that should not be allowed to drive while I am is:

1. The jack of an ass that feels the need to put on his brakes every 30 to 40 seconds.
2. The botard that thinks it’s a personal racing challenge if you pull ahead of him. (NASCAR wannabe)
3. The bimbo in the swerving back and forth SUV, talking on the phone, putting on her mascara (In case you’re a man reading this, that’s eye make-up) the whole time completely oblivious to all around her.
4. Finally, the hole of an ass person that refuses to comply with merging rules of the road.

Now, I’m sure we can all add even more to this list, but I think it’s a good start, for now. The point is people, if you absolutely have to drive while I am, please do so in the correct manor. Pay attention to what the fuck you are doing and try real hard not to be a rude ass. There is no need to slow the whole process of getting back and forth to work daily just because you have severe issues. If this is the case I suggest you take the bus or car pool with a responsible driver other than your simpleton ass. Oh and can I make a plea to all the cute engineer nerds out there to please design this ZAP device for my car? Thanks ;)

P.S. hamster update...he has been found. Although with patches of missing fur and the still green tongue he is resting and should be fine....however, refuses to talk to me or even look me in the eyes.

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Granny

I know I am going to get flack for this but it’s too good not to share. It’s a ‘granny” story, yes I have a granny that keeps us entertained with some doozies ever so often. She is 87; we think…you see she has always lied about her age.

Granny is a veteran from World War 2; believe it or not she was a sergeant in the army, a warplane mechanic. So we always looked up to her and enjoyed her stories, even though she has told us the same stories more than 50 times, and each time with the enthusiasm as if she was telling it for the first time.

You don’t mess with Granny; she’ll slap you down quick. She is however starting to loose her mind, well what’s left of it anyway. 2 weeks ago I was cleaning up from dinner and the phone rang and it was granny and in a quiet somewhat guilty tone in her voice she said. “ April…..is food coloring poisonous to hamsters?” “I’m sorry….what…what did you say granny?”. She said again, “ Do you think food coloring would kill a hamster?”

At that very moment my heart started to race and visions of hamster torture methods flashed through my mind. I reluctantly said, “ why granny?”. “Because, I got bored and painted a green stripe on the hamster’s back. I just used green food coloring and a paintbrush. Now he is mad and ran away”.

Again I paused and thought this was it, this is the moment I have been putting off preparing for, the moment my granny snapped to a point of no return. She then told me how she thought it would be a funny thing to do, now she is upset because the hamster is now gone, nowhere to be found.

She told me how she is worried he will die somewhere and turn green. “Well Granny, I said you already took care of the green part remember?” I told her not to worry, that food coloring is not harmful and that maybe he will come back soon.

I quickly ended the conversation due to severe confusion on my part. Now I sat there for a little while absolutely sure that I was going to have to arrange for granny to be put in a home and how that would go over with her. I am physically frightened of her you see; we all believe she has powers to render us…..dead. She seems all sweet and innocent but really we all know the truth. Now an innocent victim has paid the ultimate price of humility. Poor little fluffy stained hamster is somewhere being laughed at by all his buddies.

My next call would be from the hamster, which I assume he has a New York accent.”Hey yo lady that comes here to drop off food for the old dragon, I can’t talk long the bitch is in the bathroom. I need you to come over and bring a wet substance that can remove this hideous color from my once lovely orange coat.

Now listen, I have put up with too much, it’s bad enough I have to be dressed in tight fitting knit ensembles. I don’t even complain much about the bonnets either, but this shit, this shit is wrong and I will not stand for it…anymore. Crap! The evil one is coming! Please lady, please save me! I’m itching oh so bad from this green shit and speaking of shit! My turds have been coming out green for hours! Get here now, or send reinforcements! Before she finds me and I have to sit in those little chairs and drink her nasty tea! For the love of St. Francis!” Click…..all I heard after that was a dial tone.

I then decided that for the best interest of my children and the safety of all who come in contact with my granny, that I should leave it be, turn my head and join the world of denial. I cannot mess with forces of that nature; things could be thrown off course and life, as we all know it could end.

So now I can’t stop thinking of poor little hamster hiding, shivering in a dark place with his green mark of shame. I know I will go to hell for my decision but it’s the only way.

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IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

I came across an interesting little article today; here is a piece of it, along with some comments I felt had to be made. After all I am a woman.

If women ruled the world, everything would change, according to former White House press secretary Dee Dee Myers. Politics would be more collegial (yeah until the first bitch shows up to a meeting with better hair or shoes) Businesses would be more productive. (Except for the day’s we feel bloated, constipated or have bad cramps) And communities would be healthier. (Healthier? Ohh sure, unless you do not count the times we eat cupcakes in the closet so no one finds out, then force our family to eat all their brussell sprouts at dinner) Empowering women would make the world a better place.(just as long as you hide the “red button” cuz one wrong move on a menstrual day and your ass is blown up, no questions asked) Myers challenges us to imagine a not-too-distant future in which increasing numbers of women reach the top ranks of politics, business, science and academia. Here's an excerpt from “Why Women Should Rule the World”

If we were in charge, things might actually change. Instead of posturing, we’d have cooperation. (This involves catty bickering and hair pulling) Instead of gridlock, we’d have progress. (Progress? Not unless spending millions of tax dollars inventing panty hose that do NOT roll down at the waist when you sit down? Now that would be progress.)Instead of a shouting match, we’d have a conversation. A very long conversation. But a conversation nonetheless. (There would not be enough time in the day) Everyone would just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.”(Kumbaya? Fuck kumbaya! The world would blow up with all the constant bitching of unimportant issues. The dirty looks alone would bring Osama out of hiding begging to be put out of his misery. Water boarding? Hell…that would be changed to locking a prisoner in a room with Rosie O’Donnell or Rosanne Barr for an hour. I am a woman and I am the first one to admit that women ruling the world would not be a good thing…..ever.) I mean HELLOOOO?? look at Hillary Clinton! Enough said....

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LOCK YOUR DOORS AND GET A DOG!

I'm afraid, due to school and work, I must recycle an old post sorry! please enjoy...again

I AM NOT SURE I CAN EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ON THIS ONE….BUT FOR MANKIND I WILL AT LEAST TRY. ONE DAY A FRIEND OF MINE SENT SOME ANIMAL PICTURES VIA EMAIL. LITTLE DID HE KNOW A CREATURE THAT CAN ONLY STRIKE FEAR AND CONFUSION INTO YOUR VERY SOUL WAS AMONG THEM.

THE MAGNITUDE OF FEAR THAT EVEN THE THOUGHT OF A CREATURE OF THIS KIND CAN EXIST IN THE SAME REALM AS WE LIVE, IS ENOUGH TO SEND YOUR MIND ALONG WITH YOUR SKIN INTO A WILLIE WONKERS KIND OF TIZZIE.

MY QUESTION IS TO OUR GOVERNMENT, THE ONE THAT WE ARE LEAD TO BELIEVE HAS OUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS IN HAND. WHY FOR THE LOVE OF STEVE IRWIN WERE WE NOT NOTIFIED THAT SUCH CREATURE EXISTS? WHY HAVE OUR TAXES NOT GONE TOWARDS ERADICATING ITS SPECIES FROM OUR LOVELY PLANET??

I MEAN I AM TH ROUGHLY CONVINCED THAT IT IS A DIRECT DESCENDANT FROM THE DEVIL HIMSELF, A MINION OF PURE EVIL. I ALSO BELIEVE IT IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG IN THE WORLD. SOMEHOW “IT” IS RESPONSIBLE.

NOW THAT “IT’S” IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY RETINAS FOR EVER, I CANNOT SHAKE THE FEELING THAT WHILE I AM IN BED AT NIGHT WITH THE COVERS PULLED TIGHTLY UP TO MY CHIN THAT I HEAR A “CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK” OF “IT’S” NAILS AGAINST THE HARDWOOD FLOORS. SLOWLY IT CREEPS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND I FLIP ON THE LIGHT IN A VIOLENT JERK AND OF COURSE… BECAUSE OF IT’S EVILNESS….IT’S DISAPPEARED OR BECOME INVISIBLE TO THE HUMAN EYE.

DO YOU KNOW THE FEELING YOU SOMETIMES GET THAT MAKES YOU TURN AROUND AND LOOK BEHIND YOU? THAT IS BECAUSE “IT” WAS THERE. “IT” WITH IT’S WIRY HAIRS AND GREENISH YELLOW EYES. IT’S LONG BONY FINGERS OUT STRETCHED TO SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT.

IMMEDIATELY WE MUST GET TOGETHER A HUNTING PARTY TO ROUND THEM ALL UP. BETTER YET SOMEONE ONE CALL TED NUGGENT IN, FOR IF ANYONE CAN ERADICATE THIS IMPISH CREATURE IS THE BIG GUN TOTING BAD ASS ROCKER HIMSELF! WARNING!!! DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT LOOK INTO HIS EYES. please click the link to give me a point http://humor-blogs.com/

BAN THIS!

ST. LOUIS COUNCILMAN RICHARD VEIT DECIDED HE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A BILL PASSED TO BAN SWEARING IN PUBLIC BARS, ALONG WITH PROFANE MUSIC, DRINKING CONTESTS AND TABLE DANCING…
COME ON NOW DICK, DON’T BE SUCH A DICK! DICK THINKS THE DOWNTOWN AREA CAN SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE "LIVELY".
APPARENTLY BRINGING BACK COMMUNISM IS A PRIORITY FOR LITTLE DICK.

PASSING A BILL TO ENFORCE "BANS" IN OUR BARS...OUR PLACE OF MERRIMENT?? WHY ON EARTH DO YOU THINK BARS WERE INVENTED TO BEGIN WITH!? TO WIND DOWN FROM THE SOMETIMES STRESSFUL WORK WEEK.TO GET AWAY FROM "THE MAN" TO TAKE OFF THAT SUIT AND TIE OR KICK OFF THOSE HEELS AND VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PANTYHOSE AND ENJOY OURSELVES IN THE COMPANY OF FRIENDS.
TO ACT SILLY ONCE IN A WHILE, AS LONG AS NO ONE GETS HURT, FUN IS HAD FOR ALL.

DON'T GET ME WRONG HERE, I'M NOT SAYING WE SHOULD ALL WALK AROUND IN PUBLIC ESTABLISHMENTS SAYING F THIS AND F THAT, WE ALL SHOULD KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO CENSOR OURSELVES, IT'S CALLED OUR "CONSCIOUS" AND THAT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY NOT THE GOVERNMENTS!

IF THE ATMOSPHERE OF A BAR IS NOT FOR YOU, WELL THEN BY ALL MEANS YOU HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO GO TO ONE. SO, IF YOU WANT TO BE A BIG DICK AND FEEL THE NEED TO BAN SWEARING AT BARS, OF ALL PLACES, THEN MOVE TO CHINA WHERE THE GOVERNMENT PICKS WHAT YOU LISTEN TOO.
DON'T BRING COMMUNISM TO AMERICA! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY!...LAND OF THE FREE! AND IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GET BACK TO THE BASICS AND KEEP THE GOVERNMENT IN IT'S PLACE! please click on the link to give me a point!
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MADE IN AMERICA?

TELL ME, HAVE YOU BEEN IN THIS SITUATION BEFORE. IT’S 9: AM AND IT’S THE END OF THE MONTH AND YOU HAVE ALL KINDS OF IMPORTANT REPORTS DUE NOW, NOT LATER…BUT NOW AND ALL OF A SUDDEN A VITAL PIECE OF THIS PROCESS FAILS TO WORK PROPERLY. NO, IT’S NOT “USER ERROR”(AT LEAST NOT 99% OF THE TIME, BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN AND AS YOU ALL KNOW WOMEN ARE PERFECT) IT’S MACHINE OR SOFTWARE FAILURE, AND IN A BIG WAY, BECAUSE WHEN IT GOES IT GOES BIG AND USUALLY IT’S WHEN YOU NEED IT THE MOST.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE YOU CALL “TECH SUPPORT” FOR THE SOFTWARE OR EQUIPMENT THAT HAS FAILED YOU EVER SO MUCH, AND, “CUSTOMER SERVICE” HAS RE- ROUTED YOU TO A FAR OFF COUNTRY THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR OWN, TO A PERSON THAT BARELY SPEAKS ENGLISH AND USUALLY HAS AN ATTITUDE BECAUSE YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THEM.

I HAVE SAID IT ONCE BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN…”YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!?” NOW I REALIZE THAT AMERICAN COMPANIES NEED TO REDUCE PRODUCTION COSTS AND MAKE AS MUCH PROFIT AS THEY CAN TO SURVIVE. BUT WHEN THEY OUT SOURCE THEIR “CUSTOMER SERVICE” TO BANGLADESH JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN PAY THEM IN CAMELS OR BAGS OF RICE…WELL IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT, NOT RIGHT AT ALL, AND FRANKLY QUITE UN AMERICAN.

THE LAST THING I WANT IS FOR SOME JACK ASS WITH AN ATTITUDE AND A THICK ACCENT TELLING ME TO HOLD ON WHILE THEY TRANSFER ME TO 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE ONLY TO START MY WHOLE SHHHPEAL OVER OF WHY I AM CALLING…5 FREAKIN TIMES. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT'S SACRED IN THE WORLD(DOUBLE STUFF OREOS AND TAX REFUNDS), GET ME SOMEONE THAT SPEAKS ENGLISH AND KNOWS A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING PRODUCT THEY ARE REPRESENTING!
I MEAN NOTHING PISSES ME OFF MORE THAN HAVING TO SPEAK SLOOOOWLY OVER AND OVER TO SOME CLUELESS FOREIGNER THAT CANNOT HELP MY SITUATION WHAT SO EVER.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES WE HAVE MADE IN THIS COUNTRY IS CLOSING DOWN AMERICAN FACTORIES. WE HAVE NOW BECOME PRETTY MUCH DEPENDENT ON OTHER COUNTRIES FOR MANY PRODUCTS, RESOURCES AND SERVICES.
TO FIND SOMETHING THAT SAY’S “MADE IN AMERICA IS RARE. TELL ME PEOPLE, IS THAT SMART?? ARE WE SAVING MONEY OR ARE WE EMPOWERING OTHER COUNTRIES?
DON’T GET ME WRONG HERE JAPANESE SURE CAN MAKE A GOOD CAR AND CHINA…WELL CHINA IS GOOD WITH EVERYTHING THAT INCLUDES LEAD…WHICH IS EVERYTHING.
GET WITH IT AMERICA! BRING BACK THE GOOD OLD AMERICAN FACTORY WITH HARD WORKING PEOPLE WHO TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR JOB AND PAY THEM GOOD, PAY THEM WHAT THEY DESERVE.
GIVE THEM GOOD BENEFITS AND TREAT THEM RIGHT AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL HAVE A BETTER PRODUCT WITH BETTER SERVICE AND UNDYING LOYALTY. THE GOOD OLD AMERICAN WAY.
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ANOTHER RANDOM ACT OF "IDIOCY"

SEEMS LIKE FREE SPEECH IS SOON TO BE A THING OF THE PAST. APPARENTLY THE FUTURE PORTRAYED IN THE MOVIE “DEMOLITION MAN” COULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN IF WE CONTINUE DOWN THIS IDIOTIC PATH OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS BULLSHIT.

YOU KNOW THE PART IN THE MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE RECEIVED CITATIONS EVERY TIME THEY FUCKING SWORE? WELL LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU… HERE IN MY WONDERFUL CITY, A POLICE OFFICER WAS TRANSPORTING AN UNRULY CRIMINAL BASTARD, I MEAN… “SUSPECT” WHO THOUGHT THAT HAWKING LOOGIES ON THE BACK OF THE POLICE OFFICERS NECK ON HIS WAY TO JAIL WAS A COOL THING TO DO.
SO THE OFFICER SHOWED MUCH RESTRAINT UNLIKE I WOULD HAVE, AND PULLED THE POLICE CAR OVER.
HE THEN DECIDED TO CALL FOR AN AMBULANCE TO COME AND TRANSPORT THE SPIT PRODUCING BOTARD IN THE BACK SEAT TO WHERE HIS SIMPLE ASS BELONGS.

I MEAN SALIVA CAN CONTAIN NASTY LITTLE DISEASES THAT YOU WOULD NOT LIKE INVADING YOUR BLOODSTREAM VIA ORIFICES SUCH AS OPEN PORES OR SCRATCHES ETC. HAVE YOU SEEN AN EPISODE OF CSI OR HOUSE??

ANYWAY, SO THE OFFICER GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND WALKS UP TO THE ARRIVING EMT AND MAKES AN IRRITATED COMMENT ABOUT HIS LOVELY “PASSENGER” HIS COMMENT WAS SOMETHING LIKE “GET THIS DOUCHE BAG OUT OF HERE SO HE STOPS SPITTING ALL OVER ME”.
NOW MIND YOU THE JACKASS WAS STILL IN THE BACK OF THE SQUAD CAR UNABLE TO HEAR THE DESERVING COMMENT MADE.
FOR SOME REASON UNKNOWN TO THE NORMAL SANE MAN, THE EMT DECIDED HE WOULD INCLUDE THE OFFICER’S COMMENT ON THE PERSON’S PATIENT PROCESSING REPORT, WHICH BY THE WAY IS CONFIDENTIAL DUE TO HIPPA RULES.

WELL IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE READING THE REPORT DID NOT LIKE THE COMMENT RECORDED BY JACKASS #2 (THE EMT) AND DECIDED TO CALL OUR CITY’S POLICE CHIEF AND MAKE A FORMAL COMPLAINT.
THE POLICE OFFICER IS NOW FACING A POSSIBLE 3 DAY SUSPENSION WITHOUT PAY FOR HIS COMMENT, YES PEOPLE, HIS FUCKING COMMENT… (THE ONE MADE NOWHERE NEAR THE EARS OF SAID CRIMINAL.)

FIRST OF ALL LET ME GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING, THERE IS A REASON WHY WE ALL ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR POLICE WORK, BECAUSE PERSONALLY IF IT WAS ME IN THIS SITUATION, I WOULD HAVE TAZERED HIM THE VERY FIRST TIME A “LOOGY” LANDED ON ANY PART OF MY EPIDERMIS. HIS SALIVA WOULD BE COMING OUT ALL RIGHT; ALL DOWN HIS NOW PARALYSED CONVULSING CHIN.
I WOULD ALSO THROW IN A SMALL BATON BEATING WHILE I’M AT IT. COME ON PEOPLE…WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END??! STOP WASTING TIME WITH BULLSHIT LIKE THIS, I MEAN WHAT IS MORE IDIOTIC THAN TAKING A PERFECTLY GOOD POLICE OFFICER OFF THE STREET AND WASTING TIME, MONEY AND PAPERWORK TO PUNISH HIM FOR SOMETHING HE SAID IN PRIVATE TO SOMEONE??
TAKE THAT MONEY AND ENERGY AND PUT IT TO SOMETHING THAT FUCKING MATTERS IN LIFE…LIKE PAYING OUR COPS A BETTER SALARY FOR PUTTING UP WITH RAVING PSYCHO SPITTING FREAKS!! please click on the link to give me a point! http://humor-blogs.com/